Fertilehealthy

We shall be free

We can all compile lengthy lists of reasons why we want to lose weight. They are invariably good reasons and paint a picture of a very desirable outcome.

Let’s call that our motivation.

I’ve been thinking about motivation lately, since I have been struggling. I am certainly not the only person who finds my motivation flagging from time to time. And I couldn’t understand why. After all, those reasons for wanting to lose weight are very compelling. Who wouldn’t want to look better, feel better and move better?

Something has to be stronger and more compelling than the desire to lose weight in order for us to lose our motivation. So I’ve decided to compile a list of reasons why I don’t want to lose weight. I know, it sounds silly! And my rational mind is bound to find the reasons silly too. So obviously, these reasons are firmly entrenched in my subconscious mind.  Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, I have to look at these demotivating factors and then let my rational mind expose the lies to my subconscious mind.

Here are a few things I’ve come up with:

FEAR

Most of our fears are unfounded, but I believe that they are the main reason we don’t achieve our goals. 

In my case, the fear of rejection is a paramount.  In my teens and early twenties, when I was at a normal weight, I was rejected by every man I encountered.  I also didn’t have any close girlfriends.  In my mind I was unacceptable.  I certainly don’t want to go back to that.  I don’t want my husband and my dear friends to reject me.  Yet, if I look back now, none of those men were anywhere near suitable for me.  As for girlfriends, I still don’t have many, because my friendships are soul connections and they just don’t happen every day.  By entertaining this fear, I am investing in the opinions of people who don’t have a clue.  I am giving people who could never understand me power over my life.  The people who really matter to me, will love me through thick and thin (and have done so).  In fact, they will be so proud of me when I overcome my fears and finally lose the weight.  Their love is unconditional.

Then of course there’s the fear of losing my identity.  I have been fat for 14 years.  The person I am today is much more a product of the last fourteen years than the twenty five before that.  I have accomplished so much despite being fat.  Of course, I am also made up of a robust set of skills designed to cope with being fat.  Who will I be if I’m not fat?  I identify with my fat as much as I identify with my nationality.  No matter where in the world I choose to live, won’t I always be a South African?

For each of us, the fear of failure is very real.  We all know that diets don’t work.  We all know the high number of people who had lost significant amounts of weight, only to regain it all and more.  We all know people (er, ourselves!) who struggled all their lives or most of their lives with their weight.  The odds are stacked against us.  Why bother?

Less well-known is the fear of success.  In many instances our fat serves us well.  It allows us to avoid responsibility.  After all, there is so much we simply can’t do because we’re fat.  In the back of our minds there’s this uncomfortable nagging voice that tells us that when we lose weight, we will have to take responsibility for our lives and actually do stuff.  After all, if you’ve lost a lot of weight and maintained the loss, you can do anything, right! 

Which brings me to fear of change.  Quite a few people find that their relationships change.  Spouses may feel threatened by the new, sexy you, or you may find that you are no longer satisfied with a partner who doesn’t share your commitment to a healthy lifestyle.  You may not be content anymore to hide away in the accounts department or file room of your company.  You may cease to be the “invisible” member of your own extended family, which could upset the whole hierarchy.

I have this image in my mind of being forcibly dragged from my comfort zone… 

What other fears can you think of?

ANGER AND SELF-HATRED

A few year ago I attended a talk by a woman who had overcome both anorexia nervosa and bulimia and became a counsellor to people with eating disorders.  She said that in her experience anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder all have the same root causes - fear, anger and self-hatred.  People who suffer from eating disorders also tend to have been either over-controlled or under-controlled as children.  An eating disorder is the ultimate act (short of suicide) of rebellion.  And in fact, it’s just a slow form of suicide.

For myself, I grew up with an extremely angry mother who often made me the subject of her anger.  At the same time, I was forbidden to express my own anger and I still carry it around within me today.  I am terrified of losing control.  Whenever the anger rises up, I turn it inward towards myself.  I need to find a way to release my deep-seated anger that will not compromise my relationships with the people in my life.

Only then will I be able to lovingly care for my body.

I’m glad that I made this list.  I have been feeling so hopeless and defeated.  I have been intentionally sabotaging myself.  I can’t change the above mindsets overnight, but I can start working on them. 

Diana wrote (another) brilliant post last Monday about what her future, older self would say to her current self if she could visit.  My older self would tell me that now is the time to heal, to make the necessary changes in diet and lifestyle and finally lose not only the weight, but the fear, guilt, anger and shame that don’t serve me at all.  It is time to make peace with myself.

If not now, then when?

A new path?

I’ve been a stay-at-home wife for the last 18 months.  It’s been great in most aspects.  Except the pay, of course.  That really sucks.

There were a number of reasons why I stopped working.  I was the Financial Controller of a hotel and although I loved my job, it was pretty stressful.  I often worked long hours, but I didn’t mind as long as my efforts were recognized.  Then we got a new General Manager, who did not like me and tried her best to make my life difficult.  She succeeded.  This was shortly after I got married and we were actively trying to get pregnant.  The stress didn’t help, so we decided that I should resign and spend a few months just looking after myself and destressing.  Losing weight and going to gym.

Right. 

Lately my husband’s been making a lot of noise about me going back to work, because we’re in an economic recession and could use the extra income.  And I have been resisting.  I just can’t go back into an 8-5 office job.  I really can’t face having people around me all day.

Of course I feel guilty and selfish.  I’m sure most people don’t really want to do what they do day in and day out.  Craig works really hard in his business, although of course he won’t work any less hard if I were working. 

I was talking about this with my friend Charlotte the other day and she made me see the enormous emotional benefits I’ve reaped from this sabbatical.  It’s true, I am a very different person from the frustrated executive eighteen months ago.  I’ve healed so much.  I’m much more comfortable with who I am.  Allowing myself to be dependant on my husband was a huge step that I’m glad I took.  It taught me that I can rely on someone other than myself.  That I can safely let go…

Having said that, I would like to do something that would generate some income.  Something that would be on my own terms and in my own time.  I don’t want to have to wear heels, panty hose, corporate suits and endure the rush hour traffic.  

Charlotte suggested becoming a researcher for writers.  Apparently writers don’t know everything.  They hire researchers to find facts for them, mostly from libraries, arhives and online.  Researchers are given a fixed period of time in which to compile the information needed and are paid per project.

That sounds perfect for me!  I love research!  It means I can still go to gym whenever I want to, wear my casual clothes and travel non-peak hours.  I’m definitely going to look into that.

Elize did a personality test on her blog and I thought I’d try it too.  The assessment provides a snapshot of one’s personality and is part of a series of tests to evaluate potential employees.  This is the result.

The word that springs to mind when pinpointing the nature of individuals with this type of temperament is ”disciplined”. They are extremely professional, controlled and studious people, keen and conscientious. Underlying this control, however, is an emotional individual who experiences self-doubt, irritability and anxiety from time to time. This side is unlikely to be seen very often and their impact will generally be more businesslike, matter of fact and polite. They certainly are not vivacious or demonstrative individuals and people who wear their heart on their sleeve tend to make them uncomfortable. At the same time, they do have a genuine concern for others, which only tends to come through once they know people particularly well. Perhaps in a work situation it is unlikely to show at all, but there may be more evidence of this when they are dealing with close friends.

People with this type of temperament have two prime motivators. On the one hand, they are particularly keen to ensure they are disciplined and organised, that everything is structured and that they can work through their tasks in a sequential and orderly way. Security and avoidance of failure are also particularly strong needs for them and they are very focused on thinking ahead, considering pitfalls in ideas and honing in on details to avoid errors. In fact, they can be seen by others as very pedantic, although the personal discipline they have can control some of this pedantic nature in terms of helping them decipher when detail focus is needed and when it will hinder their performance. Stress will occur for them when they are required to deal with a situation that is outside their area of experience and outside the boundaries that they are required to work within. They like clarity, structure and well-defined parameters within their role and you are unlikely to see them step outside of these. However, again the control factor comes to the fore in terms of providing them with the initiative to take charge of their own work and make decisions, once they have built up the confidence in themselves to trust that the outcome is likely to be correct.

Analysing facts and information, weighing up various options and calculating whether an idea is likely to fall over is their general approach to work. Professionalism is first and foremost in their mind and they certainly want to achieve a quality result. Intolerance or irritability can occur if they are dealing with people who are less than conscientious or focused and they certainly do not tolerate a slapdash approach or laziness in others. They are, however, quick to find fault with themselves and with others, perhaps at times becoming particularly fussy in terms of pinpointing minor errors that do not have a large effect on the overall result but has prevented the work from being perfect.

On an interpersonal level, they are formal, open communicators, not shy or backward in coming forward but, more inclined to be direct and forthright in what they say than someone who can “dress up their words” or apply a great deal of tact or diplomacy. They do, however, like to work collaboratively in a group environment and will go over and above the expectations that people have of them to help people achieve their goals.

SummaryThis type of temperament is indicative of a true critical analyst who loves research and enjoys getting into the fine detail of a project and looking for the potential flaws or weaknesses. Critical analysis is their forte, so they are well suited to roles such as:

 

R&D Psychologist; Cost Accountant; Pharmacist; Accounting Auditor; Laboratory Technician; Analyst/Programmer; Market Research Analyst.

Well, that doesn’t make me sound very warm, caring and fun, but it does tell me that I’d probably be a good researcher!

Deep down I’m really shallow

You know how we always have a whole list of reasons why we want to lose weight?  Like not having to ask for seatbelt extensions on flights, not worrying about dropping dead any moment, being able to do our own pedicures, improving our fertility and not having to eyeball the sturdiness of furniture before we sit down.  Well, for me that’s all just garnish.  The main reason I want to lose weight is this:

I WANT TO LOOK HOT!

Yes, that’s right, my friends!  I want to look good.  I want my husband to not be able to keep his hands off me (which would, just between you and me,  improve my fertility a great deal to boot).

When Craig and I met, I weighed more or less the same I weigh now.  He’s never seen the “real” me.  I always feel uncomfortable when we spend time with his friends, because they must wonder what he sees in me (their wives are hot). 

I think deep down I never really believed that losing weight can make such a difference.  I mean, I don’t know what I’ll look like when I’m thin.  I know I’ll have some loose skin, saggy boobs and a roadmap of stretchmarks.  But that’s allright.  What counts is how I look in clothes.

I visited with my friend Charlotte on Saturday.  We met at a cell group about 7 years ago and had an instant connection.  We were the fat girls.  Fabulous in our own right, but fat.  In all this time, we’ve been telling ourselves, each other and the world at large that we really have to lose weight.  Year in and year out.

About a year ago Charlotte, without much fanfare, went on a diet.  And she stuck to it.  We’d see each other every few months or so and she’d be thinner. 

I almost fell over backwards when I saw her.  Gone are the long flowing dresses!  She was wearing a pair of hip hugging distressed jeans, a wide belt and a striped tank top.  Holy mackerel!  If I were a guy, I’d go for her in a heartbeat!  She’s hot!

Talk about inspiration!  I want to look something like that!  I have about twice as much weight to lose as she had (she’s much shorter than I though), so of course it will take me at least two years.  But Craig had better start taking his vitamins now! 

Charlotte and I had a long talk about her journey.  It’s not all moonlight and roses…  She’s had to actually face up to her emotions, where previously she could smother them with food.  She says she feels more shattered now than a year ago.  Her sense of identity has been challenged and she’s got to work at it daily.  She even “misses” her old self.  Her changing sense of self has brought about immense changes in her personal life.  She’s even contemplating a career change, following her dream of making a film!

It’s all about learning new skills.  So often we do well for a while, but then something bad happens and we fall off the wagon.  I think we have to realize that it’s inevitable that something bad will happen.  We will feel shattered, it’s completely normal.  The challenge is to cope in new and different ways.  Healing our brokenness is bound to be a painful process.

I think I’m ready.

Oh, and by the way, I am immensely proud of my gorgeous friend!

“Please sir, I want some more”

I could never have “enough”. In fact, I lived in constant fear of not having “enough”.

Enough what?

Enough food.

I used to study a menu in a restaurant and choose the most generous portioned dish(es). Often I would finish a meal at one restaurant and go to another restaurant for another meal. I could never buy just one sandwich or portion at the supermarket deli counter. I used to come home with a sandwich, a portion of lasagna, a portion of paella and maybe a chicken piece or two.

This goes back a long, long time. I remember at boarding school and at university that I used to finish the meals of everyone at my table. How dignified. Thank goodness I’m not famous! Imagine all these people crawling out of the woodwork and telling the tabloids how I used to eat their leftovers!

Before you think that I grew up poor and starving (this is Africa, after all), let me assure you that I had a comfortable middleclass upbringing. We ate three squares a day, were adequately clothed, had two cars in the garage and managed to go on vacation once a year.

So was my appetite just totally out of control? I use the word “was” here, because somehow I’m not doing that anymore. I got such a kick this morning when I bought just one sandwich and was fully satisfied. And I realized that it was never about the food. It was about that feeling of anxiety in the store, that feeling of “not enough”.

Enough what?

Enough love.

I was desperately craving loving nurture.

I never knew that my mother loved me and cared about me. Even before my sister came along when I was about three, I think my mother was too overwhelmed and stressed to realize that my needs went beyond feeding, clothing and amusing. My mother is very highly strung with a hair-trigger temper. The soundtrack of my childhood is being yelled at. When my sister arrived, I probably felt that I had to fight for any scrap of love and affection. After all, a baby is so much cuter than a 3-year old. I remember so well in later years how I schemed and plotted at every turn to get “more” than my sister. Most often that just translated into more food, bigger portions.

In my teens I rebelled. Of course. I’ll never forget my father telling me that they would never trust me again.

So, now I was not only unlovable, I was also untrustworthy.

If I couldn’t get love, I’d have to go for the next best thing. Food. (And booze and sex, but why depress you now?) I was a Plus-size-waiting-to-happen. Somehow I made it to my mid-twenties with only about 20 extra pounds, but the day I said “I do” to my loser absolutely-the-wrong-guy first husband and realized how far I’d deviated from my potential and the “plan” for my life, the last scraps of restraint disintegrated and I started stuffing myself with a vengeance. (”Vengeance” is quite an interesting choice of word here…)

I ballooned. I gained over 100 pounds in one year. And every subsequent year would find me another 10 pounds heavier.

I got divorced in 2000. Oh how much fun it was to be thirty, single and obese. I was so in demand! Yeah right. But of course this empty hole, where the love should be, needed to be filled. If the fat didn’t scare them away, the manic desperation did the trick.

Then, just over three years ago I met Craig. And he started really loving me. It’s quite strange, because to outsiders (people who are not me), he’s a very closed person. But boy, does he love me. Not only that, he’s given me the freedom to acquire the tools to learn to love myself.

Nothing happens overnight. But over these last three years, that huge empty cavern inside me that I used to have to fill with food so that the echoes wouldn’t drive me to a breakdown and/or suicide has been filling up with love. And more and more I find that food is just food now. Something to nourish me and something to enjoy. I don’t need it to nurture and comfort me anymore.

Sure, I still eat too much sometimes. But not every time. And that’s just because the food is so good! 

For me love was the answer. You don’t have to wait until the right person comes into your life. As Doctor Phil says:

Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.

Let’s all work towards finally having enough.

Watch this space

Something is starting to awaken in me…  At first I couldn’t identify this restlessness, this feeling that something is missing.  But now I know what it is.  I want to take better care of myself…  I want to stop this cycle of indifference and guilt.  I want to exercise and eat healthy.  My body is not coping with my present laisez-faire attitude and it’s affecting me physically, emotionally and mentally.

I’ve known for a long time what it takes to be healthy and functioning properly.  And I’ve been through periods where I’ve done what it takes.  But somewhere along the line I would lose the plot (and feel very guilty) and fall into apathy.

I an all-or-nothing kind of person and I believe that this is the reason why I struggle to maintain things. I get a bee in my bonnet and throw myself wholeheartedly into something, be it reading, eating, sudoku or whatever.  For a while, I live and breathe that thing.  I dream about it.  Everything else falls by the wayside.  Then the next thing comes along and I abandon my previous obsession and get carried away by a new one.  There is no balance.

But I think I’m learning.

I am ready to start taking proper care of myself again… and I propose to do it gradually and consistently.  I particularly like this quote by legendary tennis champion Arthur Ashe:

You’ve got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.

 

So, I’m gonna go for it!