The most popular form of transport in Southern Africa is mini bus taxis.  They are a menace on the roads, poorly maintained and always filled to the max.  Here’s a little prank local funnyman Leon Schuster played…

In my BC years (before Craig), my friends and I used to drink cases of (very good) wine and discuss, mull over and finally solve weighty and pressing matters like global warming which super power we’d like to have.

Someone would always wax lyrical about flying, but this has never really grabbed me as something that would make a huge impact on my life. I’m a Virgo, ever practical, and my super power would need to make life a little easier for me. It’s not that I’m afraid of heights, but as a fat person, gravity has always been more of a reality to me than perhaps to some of my leaner friends. Fat girls don’t fly. Can you imagine how fat my ass would look from that angle? And the loose skin on my upper arms would just flap unbecomingly in the breeze… Phrases like ‘mother ship’ and ‘her ass is so big you can’t even see the broom’ come to mind… And anyway, this would just be something else that I would need to find time for. So no, flying is not for me.

What about being invisible? Try being fat… People often dismiss you with a glance. Invisibility is not going to float my boat.

Mind reading? Yawn!!!! It would be really depressing to read the minds of 95% of the population. No thank you, I don’t need to experience the thought processes of the masses!

No, my super power is much, much more practical and has the potential of making me very rich. I would like to teleport from Point A to Point B in an instant!

You see, I don’t mind being places, but I find it such a drag to go places. Say I need to go to the post office. First I have to trawl the house to find cell phone, handbag, post bag, water bottle and keys. Then I have to unlock the front door, set the alarm, lock the front door, open the car gate, drive out, wait for the gate to close and drive off, dodging buses, taxis, traffic and stupid people.  When I eventually get to the centre, I have to crawl around looking for parking, hire a private security guard to look after my car and schlep up the stairs to the post office, juggling said handbag, keys, water bottle and postbag. Then I go through the whole process in reverse (this time dodging the brain-dead moron coming down my up one way street!) until I’m home again. The bit inside the post office is fine, but the whole getting there and back is a mission. I put off going places for as long as I can. We often end up with two spring onions and a carrot in the refrigerator, because I can’t motivate myself enough to go to the grocery store! Ok, so I’m lazy!

So, imagine not having to do that ever again! Imagine that I just dematerialize in my house and rematerialize in the post office! In the blink of an eye! Or, I’d be preparing food and discover that I’ve run out of lemons. Just ‘pop’ over to the grocery store and buy some, or better yet, to an orchard and pick some! It would take me 3 minutes! I wouldn’t even have to switch off the stove or set the alarm. And if I’m in a grocery store wondering whether I should get tomatoes, I can just ‘pop’ back home and check how many are left and be back in 5 seconds. And as for returning DVD’s…what a pleasure!

Wondering what to do on Sunday?  No problem, let’s pop over to Hungary, or Monaco, for the Grand Prix! Mom complaining that we’re not visiting often enough? Just pop over for a cup of (herbal) tea every now and again. Missing Lizana? No need to drive 150 km to Saldanha, just pop over for an hour or two. In a New York state of mind? Pop’s your uncle! Feel like a bit of sun? Go lie on a Caribbean beach for the afternoon… Robbie Williams concert? I’ll be there in a flash!

The possibilities are endless. Of course, I’ll be able to take everything I can hold on to with me, so that would be two people, or some shopping… The big danger is that one could quite easily become a Super Villain, instead of a Super Hero. Need some money? Just pop into the bank vault after hours and help yourself or do your shopping after closing time! And if I get caught, how are they going to keep me in jail?

Let’s say I keep my integrity and resist using my amazing super power for illegal means. How can I earn a living from this? Well that’s easy… I’ll be the world’s fastest courier service-cum-transport! How much do you think a business man would pay to go from Tokyo to New York in a few seconds? Or his wife, to go shopping in Paris for the afternoon? Stuck up shit creek? I’ll bring you a paddle, at a price!

All of the above would take me 15 minutes, so for an hour a day, I could ferry the rich and their paraphernalia all over the world, and still have the rest of the day for myself… Free to see the aurora borealis, go to raw events (not as racy as it sounds!) all over the world, sightsee, spend time with my friends and family and buy the best quality fresh organic fruit and vegetables year round!

That’s what a super power should be. Fun AND practical!

What  super power do you wish you had?  Tell me, tell me!  I’m not a mind-reader you know!

This is just wrong on so many levels!  It pays to hire professionals for the jobs you can’t do yourself, instead of getting Oom Daantjie to do it for you and make a complete hash of it! 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INP5qyk_B0M]

I found this over at Gert Gariep’s blog!  He’s one of my favourite Afrikaans bloggers.

I found this in my inbox today, courtesy of my friend Carina, and I had such a good giggle, I thought I’d share it with you.

 *This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.* 

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.  Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?  FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that’s a promise I will keep.  Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Quite frankly, I’d be offended by such a message too, especially since every period serves as a reminder to me that I’ve once again failed to conceive.  Oh sure, I tell myself that it’s the start of a brand new cycle, yada yada,  but I tell ya, it feels as if the blood is coming straight from my heart.  Chirpy messages like that would drive me to commit unspeakable acts!

Picture this: Fertilehealthy bedroom, 6:30 am.

SHE (gently prods him): Sweetie! Sweetie!

HE: Mmmm.

SHE: I… I mean WE, are ovulating.

HE (cracks open one eye): Can WE ovulate more quietly? I’m sleeping!