FertilehealthyAiming for success, not perfection…

About 10 years ago I worked with a rather strange girl who, when the day was especially fraught and hectic, would say, “I think I’ll have a good cry when I get home this evening“.

Our boss used to mock that statement (behind her back), saying that it’s stupid to schedule a cry.  Always anxious for approval, I would echo the sentiment.  The girl was obviously one sandwich short of a picnic.

I was wrong. She may well have been emotionally healthier than the rest of us.

Crying is probably one of the most misunderstood and under-utilized skills in our emotional tool chest.

From a very young age, whether we are male or female, our caregivers and the people around us expend a lot of energy trying to prevent us from crying or get us to stop crying.  Eventually we get the message that crying is “bad” and we miss out on the healing properties of tears.  In the process we learn to suppress and disconnect from our emotions and we develop alternative coping strategies, like acting out, eating for comfort and later on drinking too much,  smoking, using drugs and compulsive behaviors.

Of course some people use tears as a way to manipulate and emotionally blackmail others.  I’m not condoning that kind of behavior, but I do believe that we need to learn to cry again to express our sadness, frustration, anger and pain.  Not necessarily in the moment, which may not be appropriate, but like my ex-colleague, a little later, when we’re in a safe environment.

A while ago I attended a workshop on eating disorders and the keynote speaker, an ex-anorexic, explained that her healing could only really begin once she had cried her heart out.  It took her almost a week, but she cried and cried until there was nothing left to cry about.

Scientists have found that emotional tears differ vastly from the tears we cry when cutting an onion or walking in the wind.  They are filled with the chemicals of our emotions and the act of shedding them releases the emotions and detoxifies our bodies.  Tears are good for us!

Before I married Craig I rarely cried.   But in him I found someone who is not uncomfortable when I cry.  In fact, he will hold me for as long as I need to cry, without trying to get me to stop.  And when I’m done, having released the emotions, I can usually discuss the issue or problem in a rational and solution-driven way.   It’s amazing how well this works!  I really believe that this is why we don’t fight with each other.

As I delve deeper into my core-beliefs and the emotions that surround them, I find that like the ex-anorexic, I need to sometimes just have a good cry.  I’m shedding decades’ worth of tears (in private – this is after all MY healing journey).   Rest assured, it’s not a daily event.  It’s just that when I read something that resonates with me, I know that I need to release those emotions and I don’t force it, I just allow myself to feel the pain and sorrow and let the tears come.   I always feel cleansed and “lighter” afterwards.

Some might say that crying is about wallowing and feeling sorry for oneself.  There is an element of that, but I find that I move through that into healing quite quickly.  That’s another misconception – that it’s somehow wrong to feel sorry for ourselves.  What’s wrong is being stuck there.

I truly believe that crying is helping me heal.

What about you? Have you discovered the healing properties of tears yet?

To give yourself permission to cry is to bless your body with the benediction of healing. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

We all need the waters of the Mercy River. Though they don’t run deep, there’s usually enough, just enough, for the extravagance of our lives. ~ Jonis Agee