I know I’m a terrible blogger these days, but I did warn you that I needed some time to reflect…
And boy, am I reflecting!
Of course there are many truths being uncovered and recognized and today I would like to share one aspect with you. This is not the full picture and the picture is by no means static… It’s just an insight that I think may resonate with some of you.
For a long time I have been afraid to live.
Of course I’m not happy with the half-life I have, but to my sub-conscious mind it’s infinitely safer than than the world out there. Out there I may fail, be rejected, make a mistake, fall on my face, hurt someone or be hurt.
Here, in my fat body, I am in control. Here I feel safe. Insulated. Protected. Anchored.
Sure, it’s uncomfortable, unsightly and unhealthy, but the deep down the benefits of being fat totally outweigh (pun intended) the benefits of being “normal” and healthy.
Healthy Hanlie would have to look life in the eye and live. She would have to participate and take risks. She would have to make decisions, take responsibility and venture forth. She would have to meet expectations – her own and those of others.
Fat Hanlie can just sit here and never amount to anything. She can nurture her wounds and wallow. She can remain helpless and frozen in fear. She can distract herself endlessly with books (even ones about healthy living), the internet, shopping, daydreaming and computer games so that she never has to think or feel anything.
Or, she can start to look for the courage to change. To let go. To heal.
She can recognize that the courage is inside her… that she doesn’t need a knight, a guru or a fairy godmother. The courage is there. I has always been there. It just needs to be nurtured and allowed to grow.
This could be interesting. In fact, this WILL be interesting.
Click on image for info.
We have the choice! We all need to learn how to be more honest with ourselves, I think. You DO have the courage.
Sagan´s last blog ..Book Review and Giveaway: The Flat Belly Diet Cookbook
Life should be stereo, right? In fact, your post title relates back to the same artist that the name of my blog comes from
And the next line in that song reads ‘Step inside the sun’!
You are looking life in the eye. Life better dress warmly!
Daniele´s last blog ..Who says I can’t cook?!
Thank you fro such a brave and honest post. I think many of us feel like that really. Why is it sooo difficult to take care of ourselves well, nurture ourselves and let ourselves heal? I am a distraction seeker too. Peace to you.
and we are all worthy of love.
I like this post a lot. I especially like that you recognize that you have a choice in how you feel and look at the world. It’s so easy to get caught up in things and think things happen TO us, even emotions. But we can choose how we feel.
Matt´s last blog ..The plan in action
Yeah, it is so true. Sometimes we totally shun growth because it is a bit painful. But after we allow ourself to grow from adverse circumstances, we are so much better off! I can think of so many examples in my own life! I have been thinking a bit about letting fears go since a natural birth works best when you aren’t afraid of what is happening. Even though I feel that I’m pretty successful at this, I still sometimes have to listen to other women’s birth horror stories and see their attitude about natural birth. I can pretty much discount it though because I can see that they are just afraid of it. They haven’t actually experienced it with an open mind and body. Maybe that is what is required in letting go of any fears we have. Inside of us our heart will tell us what we need to do!
Good luck my South African bloggy friend!
Good point. Be it that someone struggles with weight, depression, or anything else for that matter, that can truly become a comfortable jail, if we let it. It is hard in the beginning to break free and stay free from such jail, but it is not impossible–and that is a great thing. With practice we can even forget about our bondage of choice
Brilliant post, Hanlie. There was a radio show Jillian did a while ago, where she talked about this — that we have a choice to make about how we live or how we approach our lives. She said something like “You’re not doing the world any favors by living small.”
Lee´s last blog ..this year’s different
There is no rule that I know of that says you have to blog everyday or any rules that I am aware of! In fact, you are one of my favorite bloggers, I appreciate your honesty and light. I have been reflecting more than blogging myself these days. We do have the answers within ourselves. Lately, I am reminding myself that on a daily basis. Here’s to living our lives without fear! xoxo
Kat´s last blog ..My Left foot, not the movie
Hanlie, if I have learned one thing about you, it is that you will persevere through this.
Don’t let your lack of blogging get you down. You have to take care of you first. The blogging is always here when you get ready for it.
South Beach Steve´s last blog ..Question and Answer Thursday
hugs
vickie´s last blog ..don’t even get me started on what people feed their kids. . .(aka the trampoline story)
OMG you are amazing love!
you GOT IT!
and it’s so hard to GET IT!
xoxoxo
Cindy´s last blog ..This Day
Healthy Hanlie would have to look life in the eye and live. She would have to participate and take risks. She would have to make decisions, take responsibility and venture forth.
Wanna know what’s been infinitely more challenging for me than changing my relationship to food and shedding all the weight? You just summed it up!
It’s like navigating uncharted terrain without a road map. Scary, for sure, but also a grand adventure. C’mon, join me! We’ll explore together.
Earth Mother – In The Raw´s last blog ..A Foodie’s Best Friend: Recipes Galore!
Oh Hanlie – I could have written this post a thousand times. You have put into words what so many people (including myself) have felt.
I’m so excited that you are on this journey – not only with your health, but with your life.
Diane Fit to the Finish´s last blog ..Giveaway and Thank You
I think what you are doing for yourself is so wise and brave. I can only imagine it is a bit scary to look that deeply into yourself to be able to heal. Bravo to you Hanlie!
As for the other post on Halloween about your mom. That is heartbreaking to think those words can even come out of a mothers mouth, wow! You are one amazing person and you have and will continue to rise above all of that.
XO Keep it up!
Shannon Fab Fattie´s last blog ..Saturday Scramble and Ramble
ah yes, fat insulates us from the terror of other people’s expectations and even our own. Nobody expects much from the fat chris, skinny chris will be compared to others. Great discovery Hanli. If someone left us, it wasn’t because we sucked at the relationship, it was because we were fat. Heck, I was nearly invisible for years and secretly liked it. It’s almost like a magic cape. Now, people notice me. I have to be present, checked in. It’s harder, but it’s better. Wonderful post. I don’t think I am the only one with a candle hanli….yours is pretty big. Kind of like a sparkler.
chris´s last blog ..Operation (w)onderland….
This heartfelt post brings to mind the quote from ‘Wizard of Oz’, from Glenda, the Good Witch: “You’ve had the power all along.” Whether you are large or small, curvy or thin, the talents and insights you bring to the planet are invaluable and irreplaceable. It’s hard to see that sometimes, and even harder to *feel* it, but it’s true. You are amazing, just as you are.
cammy@tipptoediet´s last blog ..Makeover Monday Redux: Handbag Re-do
Just stopping by to say thank you for your kind words and happy birthday wishes, Hanlie! I truly appreciate it.
This was a wonderful post. With each new post I can sense your spirit blossoming more and more. You’re on a good, healing path.
–Susan
The Crazy Woman Inside Me´s last blog ..A Time for Celebration: Milestone Birthday plus Progress Photos!
are you a terrible blogger or are you a FAB ROLE MODEL FOR GETTING OUT THERE AND UNPLUGGING?
)
(saw your comment at cranky fitness
MizFit´s last blog ..Roller Derby Workout (video/giveaway post).
What an inspiring story. And it’s true, you can do anything – if you put your mind to it. No matter how hard it may seem, it can be done, as long as you keep pushing forward and don’t give up.
Mike´s last blog ..What Weight Training Exercise Help You Lose Weight?
There are no such things as horrible bloggers
– and even if there were, you would never be one of them Hanle 
Do you know how much value you are adding to the world by the reflections you are doing? Do you have any idea how much more that adds to the collective consciousness – perhaps more than any post that someone can write?
And what you are doing most importantly for yourself is the most precious. Take this time.
Go within and spend as much time there as you need, and however you need. When we look within, we find all that we need without.
Evita´s last blog ..Green Beaver: A Canadian Natural Personal Care Product Company