Posted by hanlie | Posted in My Long Walk to Health | Posted on 16-07-2009
![lips[1]](http://www.fertilehealthy.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/lips1-300x211.jpg "lips[1]")
I’m still very angry about the treatment I got from my mom and sister on Sunday, and consequently I’ve been indulging in a bit of emotional eating. Nothing outrageous, but an extra helping here and there and even some snacking (healthy, but unnecessary), something I don’t usually do.
Yesterday I bought pasta salad at the grocery store, something I really have no business eating. I was supposed to come home from gym and have a green smoothie, but no, I just had to indulge. Whenever something like that happens, I hide the evidence, but hubby came home earlier than expected (he had the day off and was out shooting), so he saw the empty container and gave me a lot of grief about it.
Great! Way to go to make me feel better about myself, dude! Instead of moaning at me, how about asking why I was feeling upset? Men!
But to be fair, my husband is not the problem. My family are.
Some days I still feel 4 years old. Or 10. Or 15.
I never had a voice. Nobody ever heard me, or cared that I had an opinion. I grew up in a “children should be seen and not heard” household. Shut up! Don’t talk back!
Is it any wonder that I got so huge?
Can you see me yet, Mom? Dad?
What happened on Sunday was that my sister was talking about her middle child’s physique (she’s 7) and I admonished her and said that she should be careful what she says as these things can stick in their mind and influence the way they think of themselves for the rest of their lives. I then said that I was a case in point, since I have always, since I was a small child, believed that I was fat.
They shouted me down.
Don’t be ridiculous!
You only got fat when came back from France! You just ballooned over there! That’s where your weight problems started!
We never told you you were fat!
I said that I distinctly remember being told by my dad that I had a round belly when I was about 4 years old.
Once again they shouted at me.
You were not fat!
You’re being totally ridiculous now!
Really? You should have told that 4-year old girl she wasn’t fat! Telling the 40-year old woman serves no purpose, especially when you’re using that derisive tone. I’ve seen the pictures. I know now that I wasn’t fat. Back then that was my truth. One I carried with me all my life, until I had the means to fulfill the prophesy (in France I had access to unlimited food for the first time in my life and I came back a good few pounds heavier).
Of course they’re missing the point. AND they’re riding roughshod over my feelings.
Again.
As usual.
Story of my life.
I can not speak up when I’m with my family. I am still being seen and not heard. They still don’t know or understand me and they never will, because they are happy to cling to their idea of me. I shudder to think what that is exactly.
They still think my problem is food. Food is the least of my problems.
My problem is expressing myself and my feelings.
Is it any wonder that I fell face first into the bread, ice cream and pudding that I had planned to skip on Sunday? That I kept filling my wine glass until I was pleasantly numb?
I’m reading Kathy Balland’s book “Lose the Diet” (look out for her guest post on July 27 and my review of the book on July 28) and this sentence just jumped out at me.
“The emotional eater can feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings, and food is used to calm those feelings instead of expressing them.“
My fat is a way of expressing myself. It’s not a good way, but it’s the only one I’ve known for a long time.
The challenge is to find other ways. Healthier and better ways.
I have one brilliant new way already – this blog.
THANK YOU for listening. THANK YOU for hearing me.
Ps. I just want to add that I love my family. They’re not monsters. They’re good people. They just don’t get it and they unknowingly hurt me. They want the best for me, but they have no idea what that is and how I’m supposed to get it. I just really hope that I can do better with my kids.
OH FRIEND I could go on and on and on.
but suffice it to say THIS covered it all for me:
They just don’t get it and they unknowingly hurt me.
it is unknowingly and, for me, the fact that they cant see who we are I think.
we are frozen in time in their minds at some place/age they decided we will always be—even if we really never were that.
(yes, Im aware this might not make too much sense
)
I get it.
MizFit´s last blog ..Guest Post: Marsha Hudnall
Oh, girl, I could write heaps on this as well – without the disclaimers that my family members aren’t monsters or that I love them because I don’t. Everything runs to deep and their denial is too much.
People get so stuck into their own visions of the world and it’s frustrating for those of us who want to change our lives.
*HUGS*
Hanlie, I feel for you. I have not lived through this scenario, so I can’t fully understand where you are coming from, but your words tell a lot. I hope you have a better day today.
South Beach Steve´s last blog ..Winging It
We hear you, Hanlie and we love you!
Chubby Stubby Kay´s last blog ..Week Five Weigh In
What do they say “The sins of our fathers”?
I have heard many similar stories and they end in one of two ways – anorexia (bulimia) or being over weight.
People just don’t get the power of words and how much they can affect children for the rest of their lives.
There is a quote somewhere in the Bible that says “don’t worry about at you put into your mouth worry about what comes out of it” or words to that effect.
Sorry should be “What you put in….
pbdphoto´s last blog ..Alexander Bay revisited
you may have said – but how many kids in your family – and what is the birth order?
Teach yourself a ‘fall back’ phrase – something about – “actually I was the only one in my skin and in my head that KNOWS what I felt. I am not saying what actually WAS – I am saying what I felt.”
And I am sure that you DID say something like that.
They will have to hear it a lot before they understand – because they are not HERE.
Those of us HERE in blogland understand how to hear – the rest of the world – not so much.
And my point about the comfortable phrase is for you to GET COMFORTABLE saying it and feeling the feelings. So that you do not fall into food over the flashbacks.
Your reaction to them – and the feelings it generates – are all you can control. And yes, they were not sensitive and yes they did not say the right things and yes, they did NOT understand. But you have to learn how to not OVER REACT to that. And to channel how you react. Like many, many laps in the pool.
Writing it here – was good.
and stop hiding food. If you can’t eat it front of someone that wear the wrapper like a crown – then you just need to stop. It is beneath you.
vickie´s last blog ..I know when it is too much – it doesn’t roll into food any more – but sometimes it rolls to the floor
@vickie:Two daughters – I’m the oldest by three years. There’s an older half-sister, but she wasn’t part of our lives when we grew up.
That was actually great advice. Thanks Vickie!
Sometimes I get stuck in a negative emotional rut too, and I feel like I’m swirling out of control through it when I would rather be thinking positively and doing what is good for me. I also felt a bit like you expressed- like I had no voice growing up. I guess I got used to it, but I was surprised when people listened to what I said at my in laws house. I thought, maybe people do hear me! It was a very happy day for me, that one.
There was a time for me as well that I blamed a lot of things about how I turned out on my upbringing. I felt completely justified and like a victim. I don’t know what happened since then, but I guess I didn’t feel very powerful in that position so now I just try to move on from those times and treat my family with kindness. I feel much better about myself and like I can make a more positive contribution to the world.
So, not to project myself onto you- but just trying to relate, I guess. I don’t want to say, “well change this and you’ll be happy.” I can only just share my experience and maybe you’ll benefit from knowing it. Cheers to you, and don’t worry- the sun will come out tomorrow!
Tricia´s last blog ..Two Options
“My fat is a way of expressing myself. It’s not a good way, but it’s the only one I’ve known for a long time.”
this struck a chord. i had never looked at my fat as an expression, but yes, it was.
thanks for opening my mind.
great post
I HEAR YOU!
Lisa´s last blog ..The FAT GIRL inside – with updated dinner pics
Ugh, family is so tough. We love em and when they say something hurtful it hurts SO MUCH. I don’t talk about my weight with my family, because I think they feel guilty. I mean – I did learn a lot about bad eating habits from them!
Hang in there, the bad feelings will pass.
jenn´s last blog ..Week 11 Results: Eeenteresting. Veeery Eeeenteresting…
Families are the best at unknowingly hurting the ones they love. I know my family did it to me. I hate that and I get it.
But you are stronger than any words they throw at you. you are learning the right things to do and how to express yourself and take care of yourself in different ways. I’m proud of you Hanlie.
Mary @ A Merry Life´s last blog ..No Gym? No Prob… Um, No Workout.
Are you sure your not living my life on the family front? I love my family. I havent talked to them in almost 4 years now and have no plans to. They are not monsters either. But in the end I was never going “to be heard” and I walked away. I love them. I dont miss them. And life is much better now. This is of course how I chose to handle it and am in no way suggesting this for you but I am just saying that sometimes no matter how you do end up learning to speak up for yourself that doesnt mean they have learned to listen.
I fully believe that my Mom and upbringing did not MAKE me fat. But I do believe that it was the reasons I became fat. The point is that I put the food in my mouth and there for I made me fat. But the training I got from all those years was the reason I was putting the food on the fork in the first place. Make sense?
As many have said above. You are strong you are worth it you are amazing and you are a really good person. Believe in that and let the rest fall to the side.
*huggles*
=0)
Felicia´s last blog ..STUPID F’ing HOUSE!
“Can you see me yet, Mom? Dad?”
These words touched my soul and resonated with me. WOW!! and these too…
“My problem is expressing myself and my feelings.”
all I can say is that you are not walking this path alone. Family can be cruel, I know.
Here for you.
*Hugs*
I think we grew up with the same parents! I too am not allowed to have a voice! Also the affirmations that we matter and we have value were RARELY offered (and in my opinion used as tools)
you know I just set some important (and frightening) boundaries with my Mom…. (with a lashing) and it is still resonating in my heart too. Saturday is the first time I will SEE my Mom since I mailed her my letter and I really don’t know how to feel about it.
My parents (mom and step dad) don’t want to HEAR it. They just want the facade of the perfect family and parenting. I refuse to be apart of that IMAGE . I don’t care if the relationship is imperfect, I just want it to be REAL.
I want to be HEARD and SEEN and APPRECIATED.
My Mom too, is not a monster but she has projected onto me so much twisted pain and insult to last a lifetime and I have had enough. It’s JUST too TOXIC.
Don’t give them that kind of POWER over you Hanlie! You are so much better than that! You are strong and you are AWESOME!
( and you are going to be a WONDERFUL MOM because you KNOW that THAT behavoir is damaging and deeply cutting and just plain WRONG) I know you are going to infuse your family with LOVE and MUTUALITY and ACCEPTANCE and I can’t wait to share in THAT journey with you
LOVE to YOU!
Cindy´s last blog ..Disconcerted
Some in our family are very quick to judge the kids on the appearance or weight. I get mad because all it does is impress negative body issues on that kid. Why make kids worry about that stuff now? As long as they are active and eat healthy, they’ll be fine.
Good post!
Jenera´s last blog ..Glutton For Punishment
the damage parents do…
Gilz´s last blog ..For My Boerewors
I totally hear you Hanlie. Family members are some weird creatures. When I told my mom I had bulimia, I was purging up to 10 times a day, my hair was falling out and my teeth were chipping all she could say is “No you dont. Your find. You just need to lose some weight.” When I told her I was getting married she said “I’m not taking you shopping for a wedding dress until you lose 30 lbs.” When I later confronted her about all these thing she flatly denied saying any of them and seemed truly offended that I would even imply she felt that way. DENY DENY DENY is her mode of operation.
The revelations you are having now will make you a great mom. You know what its like to be treated badly by the people who love you the most and I’m pretty sure you wont put your own children through that.
We HEAR you and we APPRECIATE you!!
Cyrena´s last blog ..Weigh In Wednesday – Gained .8 lbs and having a freak out
I SO understand where you’re coming from here. I was eating nuts out of a little can at my grandfather’s house when I was about 13, and my Dad told me to stop. I thought it was just because it’d ruin my appetite for dinner. My grandpa said, “Jenny can have anything she wants.” and my Dad said, “No, I don’t want her to get fat.”
… Those types of comments really stick with you, and it can go one of two ways – over eating, or under eating. I just finished reading “Wasted” by Marya Hornbacher. She had similar comments from parents, and similar denial from her parents about the comments. She almost died from her eating disorder several times before she was in her early 20′s. (Great book.)
Jenn (Ex Hot Girl)´s last blog ..Crash Diet Memories
That is a tough situation and probably why I haven’t seen my family in 2 yesrs. that and the fact they all live 3000 miles away. family member on my side are about the same as yours and I to could go on and on about this topic. I just ignore them and just except the fact that they are who they are and you can’t change that.
Rob´s last blog ..Cardio, Strength Training, Pool & Eats for 7/16
Our loved ones can hurt us so easily without them realizing the damage that they’re doing. *hugs* I’m so glad that you can share your thoughts and feelings on here.
Sagan´s last blog ..Recap of an indulgent weekend
i hear you!
There’s an old adage about 3 versions of the truth: yours, mine, and what really happened. I think some people don’t understand that what we feel and what we remember ARE our reality, just the same as what THEY feel and remember are realities for them. When the situation is one that happened long ago, the only thing we CAN do is deal with the feelings.
Recently a friend told me about something that happened several years ago and how my actions at that time hurt her. I honestly don’t remember it playing out the way she said AT ALL. At this late date, though, I could only say, “I don’t remember it that way, but I do know this: I would never have hurt you intentionally and I’m sorry you felt that way.” She seemed surprised that I didn’t try to argue with her (and possibly a little disappointed *G*), but she also seemed satisfied with my response.
cammy@tipptoediet´s last blog ..Put a Block on Porlock
I hear you.
I wish I could say that I don’t relate.
And the worst part is that these things are handed down from generation to generation. Recently, some of my family came to visit me in my new home. Had to bite my lip to keep from saying Harsh Truths to my brother-in-law. He was chiding his daughter because his grandson was fat. The kid was a) two pounds over his ideal weight and b)18 friggin’ months’ old for pete’s sake. His daughter didn’t respond, probably because she didn’t want to get embroiled in an argument, but oh how I would’ve loved to plant my fist on his lip.
He was in the neighborhood because he’d just come from his mother’s funeral, so I cut him some slack. However, since his behavior was typical (for him), another chance will come, and I /will/ give him some honesty. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll listen. For the children’s sake, it’s worth it.
Merry´s last blog ..Magic Weight Loss Pill, take III
Hi Hanlie,
Oh, how I can relate to your post!
This year I have spent more time with my family than I have in several years. Unfortunately, my brother in law became very ill and was in the hospital for two months before he passed away. My family lives in southern California and my niece (whose father was ill) and I both live in northern ca. We are a 7 or 8 hour drive away and over the course of two months I made four extended visits “home”. During this time, I did not step on my scale. A couple of weeks after my brother in law passed away I finally decided to face the music and I had gained 15 pounds and put myself into a weight range where I never wanted to be again.
It was all because of emotional eating mixed with lack of exercise. And I am slowly, climbing my way back from the gain.
You are so brave to share with us and I am very grateful that I found your blog.
Kat´s last blog ..lunch lesson
Hanlie – Thanks for sharing. Hopefully by writing it down, and seeing all the support you have in blogland, you will be able to work through this. Parental and familial issues are tough, and I experienced a lot of them too.
As I lost all my weight I had to come to terms with my relationships with my extended family. It hurt a lot, but as I lost the weight, I gained more self confidence to have my voice heard.
Diane, fit to the finish´s last blog ..Can You Lose Weight on Vacation?
Morning, Hanlie,
Don’t think I can add much to the conversation above. Family relationships are tough. I have learned that there are certain topics that I just can’t/won’t discuss with my family, especially my mother and my sister. That’s what friends are for. But sometimes I do feel like I am ‘on guard’ all the time. Of course, if you asked them, they would say I am very guarded–LOL! In fact, once, my mother was trying to describe me, and I gave her those words ‘very guarded’ and she said, ‘yes! That’s it exactly!’
debby´s last blog ..A Lazy Day
Yeah, I love my family, too, but we tend to get along better at a distance.
They may be the problem, but you can only control how you react, not what they do.
Take care.
SeaShore´s last blog .."Good surprise me"
I’m so sorry! Sending hugs your way.
MamaBearJune´s last blog ..Back at the hospital
Hanlie, you have such a beautiful and strong voice, and it rings clear and true. I can relate to so much of what you are saying here and want to say a huge THANK YOU for being you, and sharing your voice.
Berni´s last blog ..Home Sweet Home