Posted by hanlie | Posted in My Long Walk to Health | Posted on 18-03-2009
I know what you’re thinking… Hanlie’s doing a post about spanking, saucy minx that she is!
No? You thought I was going to make a case for spanking naughty kids? As if!
You’ll have to read till the end to find out who gets punished in a physical way…
Cammy did a wonderful post about her family and their pride in her weight loss. This post rang all kinds of bells for me…
I’ve just realized that my frequent acts of self-sabotage are my very twisted attempts to punish my loved ones, these days mostly my husband. When they don’t act or react the way I want them to, I eat something that’s detrimental to my efforts, binge or reach for the cigarettes.
I told you I had control issues!
I may even think, “I’ll show you!” or “That will teach you!”
Obviously I don’t tell them about the transgression. It’s just a way for me to avenge myself.
First of all, how childish is that?
I’m actually repulsed by this behavior, now that I’ve identified it!
Grow up, Hanlie. It’s not all about you!
But of course, the worst aspect of this is that the people I’m punishing aren’t even aware of it! I’m the one who bears the scars and the marks of my folly.
I practice corporal punishment. On myself!
I turn myself into a victim every time I do this.
I often act this way because I feel powerless and lack the balls to confront the actual issues. But this takes even more of my power away…
Clearly, I’m going to have to work very hard at this… Because I simply cannot go on beating myself up like this.
It’s true what they say, we never stop growing and learning!
I used to do this too, but when I figured out WHY I was doing it, it was a lot easier to stop doing it. I still do it sometimes, but not with the frequency I used to.
You’ll be able to do better now that you recognize it.
Hi there.. By the way thanks for all those wonderful and encouraging comments you made as I was going through my rough period. As you can see I believe that I do beat up myself as well when it comes to trying to live a healthy lifestyle. So I to do a lot of sabotage instead of confronting what the real issue is. It’s my way of dealing with a bad situation. I am hoping that as each time passes when i do this that the next time I will learn how to deal with it in a better way, like not eating bad and maybe running instead or just get myself out of the situation that caused me to feel that way.
It’s tough but we need to learn coping skills that don’t involve eating. Hope I am making sense.
Love your posts and hope that you have a great day.
Robs last blog post..It could have been worse
I’d just realized it recently too, being angry doesn’t punish other but myself. So I don’t sweat over small stuff anymore =)
HappySkinnyGirls last blog post..Healthy You Challenge Week 11 – Can I Trust My Body?
Hello there. I can really identify with what you said about eating to punish others. I used to behave that way, but I was also an emotional eater. I realize now that behaving that way is NO WAY to behave. Have a great day!
Andreas last blog post..My favorite show
I totally do this to! I always think, “I’ll show him” (my husband)
I’m pretty sure that 90% of the time he doesn’t even realize, and I’m just punishing myself.
Glad to hear other people are working on it too, thanks for this post!
Jackies last blog post..MONKEY–N–AROUND
It’s great that you are discovering so many pieces to yourself………kind of like putting a puzzle together
SO much time to learn while you are on this journey!
annettes last blog post..The Old and the New & an Awesome Tool
So true for me too!
Loras last blog post..My Drug of Choice….
Jill - I think so too! Recognition makes way for action…
Rob – We really do learn as we go along… Every time we make the same mistake, we have some additional wisdom to help us deal with the fallout.
HappySkinnyGirl – That is of course what it’s all about – not sweating the small stuff.
Andrea – I feel very convicted by this behavior… It’s ugly and immature… But yes, I’ll definitelywork on it.
Jackie – I love how someone can say something on their blog that can lead to a huge revelation for us… That is what makes blogging so valuable.
Annette - Yes, it really is like building a jigsaw puzzle.
Lora – I’m just happy to hear I’m not the only one!
Love the illustration of the person hitting their head on the wall. The first step is recognizing it. We all tend to take our frustrations out on the one’s we love the most. Next time you get upset instead of grabbing for food or a cigarette try going for a walk to clear your head. That is what I try and do.
kristisummers last blog post..Trader Joe’s
Thank you for the nod, Hanlie. Your comments made me so thankful I posted the entry. I was tempted to delete it, once I had figured things out for myself, but something told me to push the publish button.
Frequently I find myself circling back through these Life Lessons, sometimes more than once (or fourteen times.) The main thing is, as you say, that we keep growing and learning. On that path lies victory. (We may have to accidentally trip over it, at this point.*g*)
Cammys last blog post..Family Pride
It’s amazing what things can trigger realization of an unconscious behavior, isn’t it? Someone says one thing and you realize that you’ve been doing behavior x for however long…
Congratulations on the realization!
I forget where I first heard this one: Anger and resentment are the poison I drink and hope the other person will die.
Whoa! Bells and whistles went off for me, when I realized I was EATING MY ANGER.
That A-ha moment was the start of changing my relationship to food.
amazing amazing post.
that line of I PRACTICE…ON MYSELF is beyond powerful, Hanlie.
MizFits last blog post..Cave Cooking.
Kristi – Oh definitely, once you realize what you’re doing, you can employ a variety of strategies to avoid it… Walking is a great idea!
Cammy – Blogging is such a blessing, because there is always something to learn or something that provides new insight. I’m glad you posted that! I love my family, but I obviously have some grudges… which I will now work through.
JM – Thanks! I was quite shocked when I realized what I was doing!
Earthmother – That is an excellent quote… And yes, we are eating our anger!
Mizfit – Thanks Miz! I need to learn some healing techniques to practice on myself!
Good for you for recognizing this!
I love earthmother’s quote . . . and I have noticed that the more weight I lose, the more comfortable I am dealing directly with others on issues that bother me. Good news, since it means that once the cycle of talking instead of eating gets going, it is somewhat self-reinforcing.
oooh something about this really resonated with me, may need to do a little thinking on this subject myself.
Thank you, great post.
Love that earthmother quote too.
ani pestos last blog post..are we nearly there yet?
Ria – That’s comforting to know!
Ani – I thought it might resonate with a few of my readers…
That animation is the exact representation of my frustrations over having 2 teens in the house with no common sense. Time to go bang my head again now.
Yum Yuckys last blog post..Fart-a-holics Anonymous now accepting new members
Great post Hanlie! It really respnated with me, too. Hope you’re having a lovely weekend xx
Miss Milos last blog post..Holiday photo post!
YumYucky – I love that animation! It just “spoke” to me!
Miss Milo - Hope you have a great weekend too!