We shall be free
We can all compile lengthy lists of reasons why we want to lose weight. They are invariably good reasons and paint a picture of a very desirable outcome.
Let’s call that our motivation.
I’ve been thinking about motivation lately, since I have been struggling. I am certainly not the only person who finds my motivation flagging from time to time. And I couldn’t understand why. After all, those reasons for wanting to lose weight are very compelling. Who wouldn’t want to look better, feel better and move better?
Something has to be stronger and more compelling than the desire to lose weight in order for us to lose our motivation. So I’ve decided to compile a list of reasons why I don’t want to lose weight. I know, it sounds silly! And my rational mind is bound to find the reasons silly too. So obviously, these reasons are firmly entrenched in my subconscious mind. Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, I have to look at these demotivating factors and then let my rational mind expose the lies to my subconscious mind.
Here are a few things I’ve come up with:
FEAR
Most of our fears are unfounded, but I believe that they are the main reason we don’t achieve our goals.
In my case, the fear of rejection is a paramount. In my teens and early twenties, when I was at a normal weight, I was rejected by every man I encountered. I also didn’t have any close girlfriends. In my mind I was unacceptable. I certainly don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want my husband and my dear friends to reject me. Yet, if I look back now, none of those men were anywhere near suitable for me. As for girlfriends, I still don’t have many, because my friendships are soul connections and they just don’t happen every day. By entertaining this fear, I am investing in the opinions of people who don’t have a clue. I am giving people who could never understand me power over my life. The people who really matter to me, will love me through thick and thin (and have done so). In fact, they will be so proud of me when I overcome my fears and finally lose the weight. Their love is unconditional.
Then of course there’s the fear of losing my identity. I have been fat for 14 years. The person I am today is much more a product of the last fourteen years than the twenty five before that. I have accomplished so much despite being fat. Of course, I am also made up of a robust set of skills designed to cope with being fat. Who will I be if I’m not fat? I identify with my fat as much as I identify with my nationality. No matter where in the world I choose to live, won’t I always be a South African?
For each of us, the fear of failure is very real. We all know that diets don’t work. We all know the high number of people who had lost significant amounts of weight, only to regain it all and more. We all know people (er, ourselves!) who struggled all their lives or most of their lives with their weight. The odds are stacked against us. Why bother?
Less well-known is the fear of success. In many instances our fat serves us well. It allows us to avoid responsibility. After all, there is so much we simply can’t do because we’re fat. In the back of our minds there’s this uncomfortable nagging voice that tells us that when we lose weight, we will have to take responsibility for our lives and actually do stuff. After all, if you’ve lost a lot of weight and maintained the loss, you can do anything, right!
Which brings me to fear of change. Quite a few people find that their relationships change. Spouses may feel threatened by the new, sexy you, or you may find that you are no longer satisfied with a partner who doesn’t share your commitment to a healthy lifestyle. You may not be content anymore to hide away in the accounts department or file room of your company. You may cease to be the “invisible” member of your own extended family, which could upset the whole hierarchy.
I have this image in my mind of being forcibly dragged from my comfort zone…
What other fears can you think of?
ANGER AND SELF-HATRED
A few year ago I attended a talk by a woman who had overcome both anorexia nervosa and bulimia and became a counsellor to people with eating disorders. She said that in her experience anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder all have the same root causes - fear, anger and self-hatred. People who suffer from eating disorders also tend to have been either over-controlled or under-controlled as children. An eating disorder is the ultimate act (short of suicide) of rebellion. And in fact, it’s just a slow form of suicide.
For myself, I grew up with an extremely angry mother who often made me the subject of her anger. At the same time, I was forbidden to express my own anger and I still carry it around within me today. I am terrified of losing control. Whenever the anger rises up, I turn it inward towards myself. I need to find a way to release my deep-seated anger that will not compromise my relationships with the people in my life.
Only then will I be able to lovingly care for my body.
I’m glad that I made this list. I have been feeling so hopeless and defeated. I have been intentionally sabotaging myself. I can’t change the above mindsets overnight, but I can start working on them.
Diana wrote (another) brilliant post last Monday about what her future, older self would say to her current self if she could visit. My older self would tell me that now is the time to heal, to make the necessary changes in diet and lifestyle and finally lose not only the weight, but the fear, guilt, anger and shame that don’t serve me at all. It is time to make peace with myself.
If not now, then when?
hanlie on October 27th 2008 in Heart, Soul and Mind
June responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 3:56 pm #
Great informative piece. I hope more and more people begin to take notice and realize there are better, healthier ways to lose weight.
Thinking Thin responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 4:06 pm #
What an awesome post! I think my only fear is always being overweight but maybe I haven’t dug far enough yet. I don’t know what thin feels like.
You have been an incredible inspiration down this journey. You have done wonderfully and I have no doubt that you will continue to do so.
Thinking Thins last blog post..New Bling Baby…
Annette responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 4:07 pm #
great post!!!!! Motivation to continue on the journey for me has to be a mindset that this is my new life, not a diet. Finding the desire to change from within and make life richer seems to translate to weight loss. When you can take care of yourself and love yourself, the rest of it seems to fall into place!
Annettes last blog post..6 months~~~~Changing from the Inside Out
Sherre responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 6:15 pm #
This post is a keeper! You succintly summed up many of my issues, especially fear of rejection. I don’t put myself “out there” so I’m not hurt. The fat is another layer that keeps me “safe.” All these issues (obviously) are so intertwined with Annette’s post today about loving yourself. I worry that I”m going to revert to my old “safe” ways and undo what I’ve done so far. Delving into these issues as you have done here will help keep me moving forward — so THANK YOU!
Sherres last blog post..Before and During (-45 pounds; about 50 to go …)
Felicia responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 7:40 pm #
Amazing post!
I had the misguided idea that I would be like I used to be before I got so large. Then I lost the weight and couldnt remember who I was that last time I was thin and walked into a “uh oh who am I” wall. Have a lot of trouble with that now. I knew when I was losing weight who I wanted to be ( the old skinny me) till I got here and then realized what I remember is not really how it was. If that makes anysense.
I had a great fear of losing my secruity. There is something safe in being fat. I didnt have to go anywhere. I didnt have to talk to anyone. I didnt have to do anything. I had a built in “no way” factor. No one expected anything from me, after all I was just that stupid fat person. Sadly it got easy to be fat. Especially for me who didnt have to work outside the home.
The fear I wish I had, was the fear of losing so much time to my weight. I wish I had, had the fear of missing so many years of my son growing up, even though I was right there, I really wasnt and I missed so many things. I am struggling with that today. I am so angry at all I let go by while I was wasting time being fat.
*huggles*
Kathy responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 9:27 pm #
Oh, my friend, you are so right about this one! A much more informative list than the ones that lists all the reasons you want to lose weight! Fear has kept me tethered for most of my adult life! Great post.
Kathys last blog post..HALLOWEEN FUNNIES
Twix responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 9:33 pm #
Ahh, unconditional love. It is so elusive and great to receive when you can find it and also great to give. I totally understand. Fear it’s a powerful emotion. One of the biggest reasons why I keep most people at a distance. I can relate with eating disorders being a slow form of suicide, so true. Make peace with ourselves. Thank you!
Twixs last blog post..a new toy
nutmeg responded on 27 Oct 2008 at 9:58 pm #
You have an amazing voice that needs to be heard! This post touched me in a way you may not have intended because I’m skinny. I have many of the same fears, they just manifest themselves differently in me. We are all so very much alike we humans!
nutmegs last blog post..an open letter to mr. obama
Cammy responded on 28 Oct 2008 at 3:38 am #
While I think knowing the reasons we DO want to lose weight is important, knowing what the internal competition thinks is equally important.
Excellent post!
Cammys last blog post..Friday Drive-by
Evita responded on 28 Oct 2008 at 4:51 am #
You share brilliant and very personal thoughts here Hanlie.
The first step to making changes in life I believe is contemplation and self-reflection and you have done just that.
If I may suggest another book… Perhaps when you get to the States (you can seek this one out) “Eat to Live” - by Dr. Joel Fuhrman
It is not a diet, it is a permanent lifestyle change based on 10% or less animal products in one’s diet and no processed food. All he asks for is 6 weeks and his results where weight loss is concerned are indeed mind-blowing. There are of course, no pills, no counting calories or anything like that - just smart, pure, natural and wholesome eating. He is a huge proponent of raw foods too.
I think this may be a great resource for you to have the results you desire while not compromising your health in any way. (Check out his site too if you are interested - a lot of good stuff there too
Evitas last blog post..How To Have A Healthy Halloween
Sybil responded on 28 Oct 2008 at 7:43 am #
Wow. Thanks. This post certainly resonated with me. Especially this paragraph…”I was forbidden to express my own anger and I still carry it around within me today. I am terrified of losing control. Whenever the anger rises up, I turn it inward towards myself. I need to find a way to release my deep-seated anger that will not compromise my relationships with the people in my life.
Only then will I be able to lovingly care for my body.”
Sybils last blog post..vino
Gill responded on 28 Oct 2008 at 2:20 pm #
Brilliant post, it really got me thinking. On some level I find I don’t want to let myself succeed because then I would be ….a success and I am too used to considering myself a failure to allow THAT to happen! Sad eh!
Gills last blog post..Labels….they aren’t good
Manuela responded on 28 Oct 2008 at 5:42 pm #
Thank you for this post!
(and yes, Halloween is a strange thing but it’s lots of fun!)
Manuelas last blog post..BOO!
ordinarylife responded on 29 Oct 2008 at 9:07 am #
Great post!
I think I also have fear of … failure, success, what ever. Which is why I seem to give up on something just as it looks like it might succeed! I have only realised it over the last year or so, so have been working pretty hard at finishing things. Like (finally) my degree. Even that was a battle, I really battled to sit down and study. Once I realised that I was doing it again it was easier to get focused.
Good luck, and you have helped me figure out a lot of stuff too, while you have been working through it. Thank you.
ordinarylifes last blog post..Thank you.
pixywinks responded on 01 Nov 2008 at 4:47 am #
Awesome post Hanlie! I know you can do it. You will get where you want to be. Just keep strokin’ : )
pixywinkss last blog post..Ok this is a bit scary…
Trisaratops responded on 05 Nov 2008 at 9:17 pm #
Oh, this is very true for me. I have held on to my weight for so long for some of the reasons you list. Another one that is good food for thought is “What are you filling with food?” It was suggested to me that there is a hole somewhere inside me, and for some reason I like to fill it with food. That was powerful for me to hear. I’m glad you’ve learned so much in your journey and that you are continuing on, and sharing with us!
Trisaratopss last blog post..HYC Check In