Deep down I’m really shallow
You know how we always have a whole list of reasons why we want to lose weight? Like not having to ask for seatbelt extensions on flights, not worrying about dropping dead any moment, being able to do our own pedicures, improving our fertility and not having to eyeball the sturdiness of furniture before we sit down. Well, for me that’s all just garnish. The main reason I want to lose weight is this:
I WANT TO LOOK HOT!
Yes, that’s right, my friends! I want to look good. I want my husband to not be able to keep his hands off me (which would, just between you and me, improve my fertility a great deal to boot).
When Craig and I met, I weighed more or less the same I weigh now. He’s never seen the “real” me. I always feel uncomfortable when we spend time with his friends, because they must wonder what he sees in me (their wives are hot).
I think deep down I never really believed that losing weight can make such a difference. I mean, I don’t know what I’ll look like when I’m thin. I know I’ll have some loose skin, saggy boobs and a roadmap of stretchmarks. But that’s allright. What counts is how I look in clothes.
I visited with my friend Charlotte on Saturday. We met at a cell group about 7 years ago and had an instant connection. We were the fat girls. Fabulous in our own right, but fat. In all this time, we’ve been telling ourselves, each other and the world at large that we really have to lose weight. Year in and year out.
About a year ago Charlotte, without much fanfare, went on a diet. And she stuck to it. We’d see each other every few months or so and she’d be thinner.
I almost fell over backwards when I saw her. Gone are the long flowing dresses! She was wearing a pair of hip hugging distressed jeans, a wide belt and a striped tank top. Holy mackerel! If I were a guy, I’d go for her in a heartbeat! She’s hot!
Talk about inspiration! I want to look something like that! I have about twice as much weight to lose as she had (she’s much shorter than I though), so of course it will take me at least two years. But Craig had better start taking his vitamins now!
Charlotte and I had a long talk about her journey. It’s not all moonlight and roses… She’s had to actually face up to her emotions, where previously she could smother them with food. She says she feels more shattered now than a year ago. Her sense of identity has been challenged and she’s got to work at it daily. She even “misses” her old self. Her changing sense of self has brought about immense changes in her personal life. She’s even contemplating a career change, following her dream of making a film!
It’s all about learning new skills. So often we do well for a while, but then something bad happens and we fall off the wagon. I think we have to realize that it’s inevitable that something bad will happen. We will feel shattered, it’s completely normal. The challenge is to cope in new and different ways. Healing our brokenness is bound to be a painful process.
I think I’m ready.
Oh, and by the way, I am immensely proud of my gorgeous friend!
hanlie on October 6th 2008 in Family and Friends, Health, Diet and Lifestyle, Heart, Soul and Mind
Pippa responded on 06 Oct 2008 at 7:04 pm #
I agree, Hanlie, and I am shallow too! =) When I ate raw for a year and a half, I felt GREAT. Even better, I felt HOT! I even got a belly ring to celebrate how good I felt. But raw living exposed all my raw emotions, too, and in the end, I didn’t know how to handle that.
I had to return to my former weight and body shape just to cushion myself against the emotions. And only now ~ I think and I hope ~ am I learning to deal with them.
It’s a good journey, even if it is challenging. This time I not only want to feel and look HOT, I want to feel and be REAL.
Pippas last blog post..Stormday
BigGirl responded on 06 Oct 2008 at 9:14 pm #
Call is shallow or whatever you want, but I want to look hot too!
You are so right it is about learning new skills. I know you will get there.
BigGirls last blog post..Here’s What I Got
Heather responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 3:34 am #
oh Im with you..a big part of why I wanted to lose weight was pure vanity! but it definitely is more than that as it leads to higher self esteem, etc. I think its great you were able to talk to your friend about how she is feeling, because often we see someone who has lost weight and think it was so easy or that everything is always going to be easy now that the weight is off, but it definitely is more complicated than that, and it makes it easier to appreciate hard work when you realize that there is usually a daily struggle that goes along with it. dont worry, you will be that hot girl !
Heathers last blog post..Nothing New
pixywinks responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 4:52 am #
You can do it Hanlie! I’ve been struggling a bit myself. On the teeter totter again, but not as badly as before…
It is a very emotional journey. We are strong and we can do this.
XO
Pixy
pixywinkss last blog post..Ok this is a bit scary…
susie responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 5:42 am #
hi hanlie!
how are you?!!
i love the look of your blog.
Yea..I’d like to look good too.having trouble with the motivation part. You sound pumped though! Yay for Charlotte!
What’s a cell group?
xo-s
susies last blog post..Falling back into it..
MizFit responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 12:10 pm #
you can do this and there’s no better reason in the start than shallownessment
the internal heath can ALWAYS be appreciated later!
MizFits last blog post..What’s that you said? I couldnt hear you!
Elize responded on 14 Oct 2008 at 10:58 am #
Ha! You couldn’t have said it better. I too want to look hot, but for me, the minute I start losing weight and starting to look better and feel better I get ogled by men and that is what puts me off. I cannot stand the way men (not my husband) looks at me with the glint of lust in their eyes. Blegh! It makes me want to run to the hills (or chocolate bars). I remember about 5 years ago when I had lost all my weight, I was feeling fabulous, I was wearing shortish skirts to work and my legs were stunning. But then a strange thing happened, I had this overwhelming desire to eat chocolate. I went to the shops and bought a box of chocolates, and as I was munching through a whole box with the speed of light I suddenly realised I was going to put all the weight back on. I wondered where it all went wrong and decided to sit and think it through. What changed? Then I caught a glimpse in my minds eye of my former boss looking me up and down and then staring at my boobs and all I wanted to do was cover myself up. And I gradually put the weight back on feeling utterly helpless and powerless to change the outcome. So now I know what the reason is (I had an unfortunate incident as a teenager with a lecherous old man) but I have no idea how to rise above it.
You can do it, and I believe you will do it, you must just believe in yourself.