We can all compile lengthy lists of reasons why we want to lose weight. They are invariably good reasons and paint a picture of a very desirable outcome.
Let’s call that our motivation.
I’ve been thinking about motivation lately, since I have been struggling. I am certainly not the only person who finds my motivation flagging from time to time. And I couldn’t understand why. After all, those reasons for wanting to lose weight are very compelling. Who wouldn’t want to look better, feel better and move better?
Something has to be stronger and more compelling than the desire to lose weight in order for us to lose our motivation. So I’ve decided to compile a list of reasons why I don’t want to lose weight. I know, it sounds silly! And my rational mind is bound to find the reasons silly too. So obviously, these reasons are firmly entrenched in my subconscious mind. Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, I have to look at these demotivating factors and then let my rational mind expose the lies to my subconscious mind.
Here are a few things I’ve come up with:
FEAR
Most of our fears are unfounded, but I believe that they are the main reason we don’t achieve our goals.
In my case, the fear of rejection is a paramount. In my teens and early twenties, when I was at a normal weight, I was rejected by every man I encountered. I also didn’t have any close girlfriends. In my mind I was unacceptable. I certainly don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want my husband and my dear friends to reject me. Yet, if I look back now, none of those men were anywhere near suitable for me. As for girlfriends, I still don’t have many, because my friendships are soul connections and they just don’t happen every day. By entertaining this fear, I am investing in the opinions of people who don’t have a clue. I am giving people who could never understand me power over my life. The people who really matter to me, will love me through thick and thin (and have done so). In fact, they will be so proud of me when I overcome my fears and finally lose the weight. Their love is unconditional.
Then of course there’s the fear of losing my identity. I have been fat for 14 years. The person I am today is much more a product of the last fourteen years than the twenty five before that. I have accomplished so much despite being fat. Of course, I am also made up of a robust set of skills designed to cope with being fat. Who will I be if I’m not fat? I identify with my fat as much as I identify with my nationality. No matter where in the world I choose to live, won’t I always be a South African?
For each of us, the fear of failure is very real. We all know that diets don’t work. We all know the high number of people who had lost significant amounts of weight, only to regain it all and more. We all know people (er, ourselves!) who struggled all their lives or most of their lives with their weight. The odds are stacked against us. Why bother?
Less well-known is the fear of success. In many instances our fat serves us well. It allows us to avoid responsibility. After all, there is so much we simply can’t do because we’re fat. In the back of our minds there’s this uncomfortable nagging voice that tells us that when we lose weight, we will have to take responsibility for our lives and actually do stuff. After all, if you’ve lost a lot of weight and maintained the loss, you can do anything, right!
Which brings me to fear of change. Quite a few people find that their relationships change. Spouses may feel threatened by the new, sexy you, or you may find that you are no longer satisfied with a partner who doesn’t share your commitment to a healthy lifestyle. You may not be content anymore to hide away in the accounts department or file room of your company. You may cease to be the “invisible” member of your own extended family, which could upset the whole hierarchy.
I have this image in my mind of being forcibly dragged from my comfort zone…
What other fears can you think of?
ANGER AND SELF-HATRED
A few year ago I attended a talk by a woman who had overcome both anorexia nervosa and bulimia and became a counsellor to people with eating disorders. She said that in her experience anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder all have the same root causes - fear, anger and self-hatred. People who suffer from eating disorders also tend to have been either over-controlled or under-controlled as children. An eating disorder is the ultimate act (short of suicide) of rebellion. And in fact, it’s just a slow form of suicide.
For myself, I grew up with an extremely angry mother who often made me the subject of her anger. At the same time, I was forbidden to express my own anger and I still carry it around within me today. I am terrified of losing control. Whenever the anger rises up, I turn it inward towards myself. I need to find a way to release my deep-seated anger that will not compromise my relationships with the people in my life.
Only then will I be able to lovingly care for my body.
I’m glad that I made this list. I have been feeling so hopeless and defeated. I have been intentionally sabotaging myself. I can’t change the above mindsets overnight, but I can start working on them.
Diana wrote (another) brilliant post last Monday about what her future, older self would say to her current self if she could visit. My older self would tell me that now is the time to heal, to make the necessary changes in diet and lifestyle and finally lose not only the weight, but the fear, guilt, anger and shame that don’t serve me at all. It is time to make peace with myself.
If not now, then when?
