FertilehealthyAiming for success, not perfection…

Long time readers of this blog may remember that I completed an 80-Day Juice Feast earlier this year. It was a time of cleansing and renewal for me, in body and in spirit. The physical benefits were immediately apparent, but at the time I felt that I wasn’t really reaping any emotional benefits.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Two crucial issues seem to have been resolved – my life-long binge-eating and my fertility despair.

While I am not eating that healthily at the moment, I have completely lost the compulsion to binge. I haven’t gained any weight in the last three months, even though I’ve been eating pretty much anything I wanted and I haven’t exercised. I know that some adjustments in my eating habits and activity levels will result in weight loss and I am ready and prepared to make them. I still believe that a high raw, largely plant-based diet is the healthiest and will slowly head in that direction again… As for exercise, my body is definitely eager and is starting to win over my mind.

I have no interest in the scale and don’t care if I lose “only” 10 kg per year. It’s all about finding a sustainable, healthy way of life. The concept of “cheating” does not exist for me. I have learned so much about moderation these last few months and I plan to make use of that knowledge.

I have always wanted to be a mother. During my first marriage I tried for two years to get pregnant. I had a laparotomy and an operation to remove uterine fibroids. Ultimately my doctor said that my lifestyle made conception unlikely – I was obese, unfit and smoked heavily. Eventually I got divorced and the baby-hopes had to be shelved.

When I met Craig they started to revive. I was still an obese and unfit smoker, but we started making changes to our lifestyle. On our wedding day (almost two years ago), we started taking a herbal fertility formula and I joined on-line fertility discussion groups, learning a great deal in the process. I was dismayed to discover that the insulin resistance I had been recently diagnosed with further diminished my fertility. I was also 10 years older.

Fortunately I discovered that a predominantly plant-based diet heals (not just controls) insulin resistance. And that older women can be surprisingly fertile. I stopped smoking (with a few minor relapses).

Unfortunately, at the same time that we started “trying”, I went into an emotional tailspin that exhausted and confused my husband, my friends and family and of course myself. I am lucky that my husband is a saint, but I can in retrospect acknowledge that I placed an enormous burden on him. He was finding his feet in a new business and a new marriage and the next minute his wife goes into fertility-meltdown. There were books and magazines on fertility, pregnancy and babycare all over the house. I nagged about the suitability of our house for children. Sex was a minefield, accompanied by an array of paraphernalia, lotions, potions, rituals and timetables. And often tears. Passion took a backseat.

Getting pregnant was all I could think of. If my family didn’t show an interest, I flew into them. At the same time, I was beating myself up about my obesity and my failure to stick to any plan to overcome it. Eventually I convinced my husband that I needed to give up my stressful job and concentrate on healing my body. Everybody knows that stress is bad for fertility.

The months went by. Except in my mind they weren’t months – they were cycles. Every period reminded me that I had failed again. That I was defective. More guilt and more tears.

I refused to even consider that we may never have children. I empatically said that I would never accept that.

But something has shifted these last few months since the Juice Feast. I still want children, but the desperation has gone. And with it the lotions, potions, schedules, etc. Slowly but surely the passion is returning and the guilt and despair abating. I am enjoying the rhythms and cycles of my body, instead of trying to manipulate and anticipate them. I measure time in seasons now and this is my season of healing in peace. My sanity has returned. My friends and family, not to mention Craig, are so relieved that I am “normal” again. So am I.

I love my husband. We are looking forward to starting a new life together in America. We hope to have a child or two, but if we don’t we’ll be just fine.