My Liberal Identity:

You are a Peace Patroller, also known as an anti-war liberal or neo-hippie. You believe in putting an end to American imperial conquest, stopping wars that have already been lost, and supporting our troops by bringing them home.

Take the quiz at www.FightConservatives.com

How liberal are you?

Something is starting to awaken in me…  At first I couldn’t identify this restlessness, this feeling that something is missing.  But now I know what it is.  I want to take better care of myself…  I want to stop this cycle of indifference and guilt.  I want to exercise and eat healthy.  My body is not coping with my present laisez-faire attitude and it’s affecting me physically, emotionally and mentally.

I’ve known for a long time what it takes to be healthy and functioning properly.  And I’ve been through periods where I’ve done what it takes.  But somewhere along the line I would lose the plot (and feel very guilty) and fall into apathy.

I an all-or-nothing kind of person and I believe that this is the reason why I struggle to maintain things. I get a bee in my bonnet and throw myself wholeheartedly into something, be it reading, eating, sudoku or whatever.  For a while, I live and breathe that thing.  I dream about it.  Everything else falls by the wayside.  Then the next thing comes along and I abandon my previous obsession and get carried away by a new one.  There is no balance.

But I think I’m learning.

I am ready to start taking proper care of myself again… and I propose to do it gradually and consistently.  I particularly like this quote by legendary tennis champion Arthur Ashe:

You’ve got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing.

 

So, I’m gonna go for it!

I mentioned in the previous post that I was working on a post about food and emotions.  Well, this has become a huge project, given the amount of information I’ve come across, so I’m turning it into a mini-series which will touch on depression, stress and the role our food choices play in these conditions.  Since I’m not doing this 24/7 (more like 2/4), I thought I’d do a post about various other things that are on my mind  at the moment.

We had some high drama here last night.  Our neighbours had a house fire.  Craig noticed from the patio door that the house was on fire and I called the fire department.  Just as well, since the neighbour only had time to grab the kids and the hamster and get out.  Apparently the husband had forgotten to switch off the stove before going out to a meeting.  By the time the wife realized that something was wrong, the smoke was so bad that they just had to get out.   This really has brought home to me how quickly these things happen.  I don’t know how bad the damage is, since we don’t really know them, but the fire department did a great job of putting the fire out quickly and clearing the smoke.  I hope they’re insured.

I still spend a lot of time watching CNN for the latest on the US presidential election, our own “coup d’etat this past weekend and the economy.  We sure live in interesting times.

An equal amount of time is spent on the poker channel.  No, I’m not about to become a professional poker player!  In fact, I’ve never played poker in my life, but Craig used to play often before we were married and he recently started watching it on TV (there’s little else to watch these days).  Now I’m hooked too!  I find the whole sub-culture incredibly fascinating.  Do you have any idea how BIG poker is?

We had a few lovely, warm days and I even started making noises about getting a pedicure and waxing my legs.  But the weather has changed again and it is raining torrentially.  I had to go to the shops a little earlier and almost floated down the road in my little car. 

Which reminds me of something I saw on CNN a few weeks ago and outraged me.  A girl in England failed her driving test because she had splashed a pedestrian.   I mean, seriously, what was she supposed to do?  Swerve to avoid a puddle?  That’s dangerous!  To my mind, it’s the job of the Council to make sure that the streets are in good repair so that puddles don’t form.  What do you think?

I was hoping that we’d have nice weather tomorrow, because it’s a public holiday (Day of Reconcilliation, I think) and Craig will be home.  More importantly, it will be our second wedding anniversary and I was hoping that we could go on an outing.  It is after all flower season on the West Coast, when the veld just blazes with flowers after the winter rains.  Unfortunately the flowers don’t open when it’s overcast.  And who wants to go on any outings when the weather’s like this?  I see a visit to our favourite Indian restaurant in my near future.  And I’ve promised to make flapjacks (pancakes in America) for breakfast.

Our estate agent has just phoned to cancel a viewing for this afternoon due to the weather.  I’m thinking of spending the rest of the day in Club Duvet with a book and some chai tea!  The joys of being a kept woman!  Might as well enjoy it while it lasts, because I’ll definitely work again once we’ve relocated.  Maybe  I should become a professional poker player…

The cats are already picking out their spots on the bed, so you’ll have to excuse me now!  I’ll leave you with some pictures of the flowers…

I’m working on an interesting post about food choices, so today you’ll just have to do with a little chuckle…

Long time readers of this blog may remember that I completed an 80-Day Juice Feast earlier this year. It was a time of cleansing and renewal for me, in body and in spirit. The physical benefits were immediately apparent, but at the time I felt that I wasn’t really reaping any emotional benefits.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. Two crucial issues seem to have been resolved - my life-long binge-eating and my fertility despair.

While I am not eating that healthily at the moment, I have completely lost the compulsion to binge. I haven’t gained any weight in the last three months, even though I’ve been eating pretty much anything I wanted and I haven’t exercised. I know that some adjustments in my eating habits and activity levels will result in weight loss and I am ready and prepared to make them. I still believe that a high raw, largely plant-based diet is the healthiest and will slowly head in that direction again… As for exercise, my body is definitely eager and is starting to win over my mind.

I have no interest in the scale and don’t care if I lose “only” 10 kg per year. It’s all about finding a sustainable, healthy way of life. The concept of “cheating” does not exist for me. I have learned so much about moderation these last few months and I plan to make use of that knowledge.

I have always wanted to be a mother. During my first marriage I tried for two years to get pregnant. I had a laparotomy and an operation to remove uterine fibroids. Ultimately my doctor said that my lifestyle made conception unlikely - I was obese, unfit and smoked heavily. Eventually I got divorced and the baby-hopes had to be shelved.

When I met Craig they started to revive. I was still an obese and unfit smoker, but we started making changes to our lifestyle. On our wedding day (almost two years ago), we started taking a herbal fertility formula and I joined on-line fertility discussion groups, learning a great deal in the process. I was dismayed to discover that the insulin resistance I had been recently diagnosed with further diminished my fertility. I was also 10 years older.

Fortunately I discovered that a predominantly plant-based diet heals (not just controls) insulin resistance. And that older women can be surprisingly fertile. I stopped smoking (with a few minor relapses).

Unfortunately, at the same time that we started “trying”, I went into an emotional tailspin that exhausted and confused my husband, my friends and family and of course myself. I am lucky that my husband is a saint, but I can in retrospect acknowledge that I placed an enormous burden on him. He was finding his feet in a new business and a new marriage and the next minute his wife goes into fertility-meltdown. There were books and magazines on fertility, pregnancy and babycare all over the house. I nagged about the suitability of our house for children. Sex was a minefield, accompanied by an array of paraphernalia, lotions, potions, rituals and timetables. And often tears. Passion took a backseat.

Getting pregnant was all I could think of. If my family didn’t show an interest, I flew into them. At the same time, I was beating myself up about my obesity and my failure to stick to any plan to overcome it. Eventually I convinced my husband that I needed to give up my stressful job and concentrate on healing my body. Everybody knows that stress is bad for fertility.

The months went by. Except in my mind they weren’t months - they were cycles. Every period reminded me that I had failed again. That I was defective. More guilt and more tears.

I refused to even consider that we may never have children. I empatically said that I would never accept that.

But something has shifted these last few months since the Juice Feast. I still want children, but the desperation has gone. And with it the lotions, potions, schedules, etc. Slowly but surely the passion is returning and the guilt and despair abating. I am enjoying the rhythms and cycles of my body, instead of trying to manipulate and anticipate them. I measure time in seasons now and this is my season of healing in peace. My sanity has returned. My friends and family, not to mention Craig, are so relieved that I am “normal” again. So am I.

I love my husband. We are looking forward to starting a new life together in America. We hope to have a child or two, but if we don’t we’ll be just fine.