Lost and Found
Posted on May 02, 2008 under Heart, Soul and Mind |A lot of us are working at weight loss… But is that all we want to lose?
I’ve been thinking about this ever since I posted those teenage pictures a few days ago. When I look at my younger self, I not only see a thinner me, but also a more hopeful, more innocent, more care-free me.
And while I know that I can’t undo the last 13 years, and I don’t necessarily want to, I think a part of me wants to regain some of that innocence, hope and exuberance. My extra weight is weighing me down in more ways than one.
Don’t get me wrong… I love where I am in my life. I’m always moving forward. I’m with the man I want to share the rest of my life with. We are making big and exciting plans. I’m learning new skills and discovering new aspects of myself all the time. I’m very happy.
But. I know that I am not treating myself as well as I should. I have this long history of failing myself. Let’s face it, when you gain a lot of weight you’re failing yourself. And every time you declare that you’re going to “do something about your weight” and you don’t, you’re failing yourself. Even when you start with a bang, but fizzle out after a while, you’re failing yourself. Not your mother or your father, or your best friend, or your spouse, or your WW leader, or your blogging buddies or your (ex) training partner. Yourself.
And when we look at pictures of our fat selves, we don’t only see the unsightly bulges and the rows of chins. We see that failure written all over our faces. We see beaten down, disappointed, sad, desperate, fat women. It’s in the sag of the shoulders and the guilt-ridden, stricken eyes. It’s what I saw in the photo I had taken on Tuesday, the ones I will not be posting here (even though my hair looked nice).
That’s what I want to lose! And of course another 130-150 pounds.
Not only do I want to weigh what I weighed when I was 20. I want to have that innocent belief that the world is my oyster.
Is that naive? In a way I suppose it is. I can never be that innocent again. But I believe I can be something even better.
An overcomer. Someone who has cast off the heavy, debilitating weight of failure and found her wings.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I tried to leave a comment, and it didn’t work. So I’m trying again.
This is so very true! I do want a smaller scale number, and a longer life, and a healthier lifestyle. But each day that I exercise, and say no to a second portion and plan my meals, I am joyous at this resolve, this new woman. When I get to that number, I will celebrate my new body, but also what it represents. Hell, I’m celebrating now! Overcoming those years of neglect, and feeling empowered and strong in my body, and of my life. It will be monumental! And I am inspired because I know that I am doing this for the last time. Maintenance will be a conscious effort, but it won’t be as difficult as making the changes. Well put, as always, Hanlie.
Trisaratopss last blog post..I can, and I do, and I will
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Your posts lately have been seriously inspiring (not that it’s something new or anything) but they’re very touching! I can’t even express how much, but I wanted you to know.
Have a great weekend!
<3
Rose
Roses last blog post..the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 am
Great post Hanlie. I don’t want to just lose the weight. I want to lose the negativity etc. as well. That sometimes proves to be harder than losing the weight.
Andrew is getting fits last blog post..Mental note to self
May 3rd, 2008 at 2:38 am
Hear hear!
Backpacking Dads last blog post..In which I try my hand at stand-up
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 am
I think you’re right. Heck, I know you are. I carry myself differently now. I look up, not down. My shoulders are in, and my core is…okay, belly fat and all that, but I’m trying. LOL It’s the walk of someone who’s winning, not someone who is defeated. Every day–every single day–we treat ourselves right, we should stand a little taller and lift our chins a little higher. We ARE winning.
Cammys last blog post..Strategies for Success and Other Useful Links
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 am
Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. You’ve got the essence of all our journeys packed into your post. Excellent insight.
Rebeccas last blog post..Don’t Eat Like a Bird; Sing Like One
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
You are right, you can never go back. But that’s not the bad news, that’s the good news. From right here and right now, knowing what you know, experiencing what you have experienced the world IS your oyster.
It might be good to think not about LOSING who you are but instead embracing who you are. Know that where you are right now is exactly where you need to be. Everything you have learned has made you an incredible person, fat or thin. That extra weight has been there for a reason, don’t forget that.
I remember standing in front of the mirror thanking my fat for protecting me for all those years and telling it that it was safe to go now. I was ready to live my life without it. It felt so good to look at it this way instead of hating it and wishing it would go.
You are strong and brilliant Hanlie and you are doing such wonderful things for yourself. Keep on keeping on!!!
Much love,
Michelle
Michelles last blog post..Having food fun
May 3rd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
You are so right - I don’t need to look at photos - just looking in the mirror every morning disappoints me terribly. Oh woe ….
http://www.coffeebreak.iblog.co.za
wendzs last blog post..Frustration
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:38 pm
oh me too! as I am just about at my goal, I realize that I am not the person I was at 18 at all just by losing that weight. Kind of discouragnig, but its too be expected.
heathers last blog post..A loss
May 4th, 2008 at 7:26 am
You’re so right. I can’t say it better. I do so want to get healthier. I’ve never been this close to my goal, usually I would give up by now. It’s a matter of what you want MORE. Hopefully, blogging will help us to get our wings soon! At least this year
Jessicas last blog post..The Magic Week
May 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
“Not only do I want to weigh what I weighed when I was 20. I want to have that innocent belief that the world is my oyster.”
I see no reason that you will not reach the weight you were when you were 20. As for the rest *sigh* I wish that were possible. The fact is we can “never go home” so to speak. When I was getting ready to have surgery I used to just dream of having the confidence and joy of life that I had when I was 20ish. The *go gettem* feelings the *I can do anything*. I just knew that once the weight was gone my *old self* would be back and rip roaring to go. *ERCH* nope didnt happen. In fact once I lost all the weight I realized I could never go back to who I was when I was 20 cuz well frankly I was/am 36 LOL and not 20 anymore.
The world is still full of possibilities and and excitment but it sure doesnt look like I remember it. I find I am having to learn all over again who Felicia is. I am mousey and scared and very un confident now. The weight came off and all my security went with it. It was the ONE thing that did suprise me on my journey.
Every day is better but its better because I am learning to live now with the truth that I am not 20 and I will never see the world again the way I did back then.
You are an overcomer. You will find your wings again just as I am finding mine. They just wont look like the wings we imagined them to be. And ya know what. Thats ok cuz its kind of fun to see what color the feathers will be next ( if you get what I m ean *grin*).
Hope you had a super weekend and your week ahead is just wonderful!
*huggles*
=0)
Felicias last blog post..HA!! *insert swear words here* I KNEW IT!!!
May 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Hanlie you are so right! I knew when I saw your pics that you were probably feeling exactly the way I was! You nailed it when you said you saw failure in some of the recent photos. Me too! I’d never thought of it that way util you wrote what you did. But we are NOT failures! Deep down we are still the same women. We’re not getting older - we’re getting better! (We just need to peel off some of the layers!)
*hugs*
Loras last blog post..Living in the Present….
May 6th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Nope, not naive at all. The journey you are on isn’t only about loosing the weight, you are tackling the emotional issues hiding behind the weight as well… I believe this combination will give you an adult version of that ‘the world is my oyster’ feeling.
Julias last blog post..The post holiday weigh-in