Fertilehealthy

Know Thyself

One of my favorite bloggers, Lyn from Escape from Obesity did this really excellent Q&A post and since then I’ve been seeing it on a lot of blogs. So, here’s my answers to Lyn’s questions:

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat? Rich, creamy, saucy foods, like lasagne and macaroni and cheese. Also bread and butter. And pizza. I often used to make myself a jug of thick white sauce with cheese and maybe tinned tuna, which I would eat with a spoon. I’m not really a snacker, so things like chips, popcorn, cookies and candy don’t register with me and I’ve never been a fan of fries. But I can overeat on salad or sushi - for me it’s very much about the behavior. I don’t have specific trigger foods - food used to be my trigger.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often? When I was alone. Writing that provided one of those lightbulb moments for me. I’ve always known that I was a sneaky eater, and therefore I didn’t binge in front of other people, but I never really considered that being alone might trigger my bingeing… I’m going to have to think about this! Maybe I’m not such a loner after all!

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate? Boredom, anger, frustration, loneliness, defiance, fear. I remember once biting into a warm meat pie and thinking “this is pure love”. What bullshit! There’s no love there! That thing was made by a bored, underpaid worker in a factory. This exercise has made me realize that I eat out of anger more than anything else. I’ve been angry for so long - at my parents, the men in my life, my employers, even my wonderful husband. And because I have always been unable to voice my anger, I would direct it towards myself and punish myself. Eating for me is about punishment and rebellion. Deep down I’m still fighting my teenage battles… and of course the person I’m most pissed off with is myself! I need to do some work around this issue…

4. Do you think you have a binge-eating disorder? I know I do! I would buy enough rich food to feed a family of four for a whole day and scarf it all down in one sitting.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain? I first gained weight when I went to university, like most first year students do. I gained some more when I au paired in France, but the real weight came when I married to husband #1. I gained over 100 pounds in one year. Since my divorce I gained another 50 odd pounds… Reading that has given me another insight. I used to see a therapist who told me that fat people often use their weight as a way to “anchor” themselves. I can now see that my significant weight gains all happened during times of change in my life. Which doesn’t mean that I should avoid change! Oh no, I should learn to deal better with change!

6. Do you “blame” anyone for your weight? I’ve always had this large, willing target for blaming and despising - myself! When I’m really honest with myself, the roots of this thing lie in my relationship with my parents when I grew up. They did the best that they could, but they made some big mistakes with me and it’s always made me feel very bad about myself. Being big is my way of expressing myself, of drawing attention to myself and of making a statement. Once again, I’m learning to express myself differently. Dr. Phil always talks about the pay-offs we get from certain behaviors and I can definitely see that, for me, there are pay-offs attached to being fat.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight? Being lazy and sedentary. Drinking too much. Smoking. Involving food in every social event.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight? I was never exercising, but before my first marriage I used to walk everywhere I wanted to be, since I didn’t have a car. When I got married, we moved to the suburbs, I got a car and never walked anywhere until now…

9. Why did you choose that activity level? I was lazy, I was married to a fat lazy alcoholic and I worked long hours. And I think I didn’t really know how neccessary exercise is for good health.

10. What finally made you want to change? I was starting to develop certain degenerative lifestyle conditions, I was infertile and I was getting older. It was just starting to feel as if I was throwing away my life. I had made an intensive study of health and nutrition over the course of about five years and I knew what I needed to do. My wonderful new husband also provides me with so much support and motivation, that for the first time I believe that I CAN do this. I have discovered my own ability and resolve. And I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter how long this takes me; as long as I keep moving in the right direction I can’t fail!

Wow, I loved doing this! I discovered so many truths while answering these questions. I am really going to work on the anger aspect. And on expressing myself in a healthy way, embracing change and finding ways to reassure myself when I’m alone. This was a very valuable exercise for me!

I hope that you found something of value to yourself in my answers. The beauty of blogging is that we learn so much from one another, and I’m always pleased to see how similiar we often are, even when we come from vastly different backgrounds and countries.