Fertilehealthy

My healing heart

I think one must finally take one’s life into one’s own arms and kiss it. ~ Arthur Miller

I knew from the outset that Juice Feasting was going to be a life changing experience, but I could not have foreseen the enormity of it.  And by that I mean in the mental and emotional sense.  I was prepared for the physical aspect of this journey, and really, it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, apart from the dreadful flu (which I normally don’t get because of the Barleylife I take every day).  I am a much different person than I was 50 days ago.  And I like it.

I realize now that during the last 50 days I have only paid lip service to dealing with my emotional issues.  I have been juice feasting on auto-pilot, which is of course the exact opposite of being mindful!  I was afraid of my emotions.  I was holding on to the memories, the could-have-beens, the failures and the deceptions of my life.  I was even holding on to my own (perceived) shortcomings.  I had come a long way with that suitcase full of emotional effluent, ignoring the weight and the stench and the inevitable cloud of flies.  I wasn’t ready to let go…

Yesterday we started clearing out our store-room.  We only did a bit, because Craig can only take one truck-load per day.  (I took a “before” picture, which I’ll post with an “after” once we’re done).  Ninety-five per cent of the stuff in that store-room do not belong to me and have been there for years.  I’ve only lived here two years and moved from a tiny studio apartment, so I had no “stuff”, apart from my stinking suitcase full of garbage.  That didn’t go into the store-room though.  I have no idea why clearing out this store-room has shifted something inside me.

Something has definitely shifted.  I noticed it last night.  Before getting into bed I saw that for the first time since my teens I have EWCM (egg white cervical mucous).  This to me is a huge indication that my hormones are loving juice feasting!  My body is healing.  I have not had my customary stabbing pain that normally accompanies ovulation, but I had the egg white!  Even though we’re not officially trying to conceive right now, there was no way my husband was going to sleep unmolested!  Afterwards I started crying.  And then I cried some more.  I feel as if I have a reservoir of tears that need to be shed. 

I have no idea why I’m crying (still on and off), but it’s just making me feel so clean.  And the river of tears has carried away that reeking old suitcase.  Out of my life.  I am emerging from the waters clean and whole.  Maybe it has to do with the full moon and the Equinox.  I don’t know, but I feel so close to myself right now.

Michelle did an excellent post yesterday about cycles, based on a transcript from Karen Knowler, UK raw food coach.  Apparently one goes through 5 levels of transformation when changing over to raw food (but this could apply to anything) and then you start again at #1 with new thoughts, insights and ideas.  There is no finish line.   I’ll say that again, for everybody making changes in their lives.  There is no finish line.

I see this cyclical effect in my physical detox.  My tongue is once again coated and the skin condition on my hands has flared up again, even though I can see that the underlying new skin is the healthiest it’s been in 12-13 years.  My weight loss has slowed down, because I have been holding onto my suitcase for dear life.  Now that the suitcase is floating away from me, I think my body is going to respond beautifully.

I realized as I was reading Michelle’s post that I had regarded juice feasting as my “magic bullet”.  It was supposed to cure my addiction to fast food.  It was supposed to be my “pass” into a healthier diet. 

The truth is that I still have to fight the temptation to eat the things I have previously been addicted to.  But making good choices has become a habit that will stand me in good stead when I eat solid food again.  It has become easier for me to consider what my body needs and wants.  Starting solid food will be starting a new cycle of transition.  And with the confidence and wisdom that I’ve gained while juice feasting, I know that it will be a challenging, yet rewarding cycle.  I can do it!  I may not make the best choices 100% of the time, but I’ll be grateful for 90% and keep working on the deficit!

Juice feasting is, and has been, the most significant thing I’ve ever done in my life.  It is both harder and easier than I thought it would be.  I would be a poorer person for not having done this.  I am looking forward to the next few months…  I have been thinking about extending my juice feast beyond 92 days, but when I examine my motives now, I realize that I’ve been trying to reach “perfection”, an all too-familiar pattern in my life.  I didn’t want to quit until I had fully detoxed, lost x amount of pounds, and pulled together all the threads of my life.

That’s not going to happen.  That is not the purpose of juice feasting.  I will have to step up to the plate and do it myself.  And believe me, I’ll be working on it.  While juice feasting.  I am trusting my body to tell me when to stop.  I’ll be listening…

And I know that that will only signify the start of another exciting leg of my journey through life.