FertilehealthyAiming for success, not perfection…

I have two big announcements to make today…

After my post on Sunday about putting baby-making on hold for a while so that I can settle into my new job, Craig and I retired to the couch for some Sunday evening reading and relaxation.  It had been a busy day – the in-laws had come over for a braai and the men had played touch-rugby and soccer with dog and nieces, and I had catered for everybody.  So, we were happy to kick back and relax.

Suddenly it dawned on me that we wouldn’t be able to do that if we had a baby, or a toddler, or even a school-age child.  And in a blinding flash of insight, I realized that I was quite content, nay happy, without children in my life.

With that realization a huge weight just fell off me.  I suddenly felt incredibly free.  Up to that moment I had no idea how my perception of being incomplete without a child had weighed me down.  It was literally sucking the life out of me.

I find it quite poetic that this happened after my fertility had been restored.  I’m not making peace with the fact that I can’t have children, I’m choosing not to have children.  For me that’s an important distinction.  Everybody deserves a choice.

Does this mean that I’d been deluding myself all these years when I yearned to be a mother?  Not at all!  I really, really wanted kids and I would have been a great mother.  But I think that the moment passed.  We’re over 40 and we enjoy our life together.  I don’t think we have the sustained energy anymore to raise a child.  A child will not bring us closer (in fact, according to this thought-provoking article, which I only saw this morning, it will probably add a lot of stress to our lives).

So, what is the downside to this choice?  I know that I will always feel a twinge of sadness alongside the  joy when someone I know has a new baby.  I will often wonder what it would have felt like to carry a baby under my heart for nine months.  It will take a while before I stop evaluating names for possible future use. Some may call me selfish, but so be it.

On the upside, I can stay right here in my house, which is ideal for a couple and not so much for a young family.  I can enjoy my career and blog, read, sleep, etc without feeling torn.  I can save loads of money.  And to be honest, not having a child may be the most environmentally friendly, green, thing anyone can ever do.  (These are not my reasons, but they are fringe-benefits).

So, am I sorry that I went to all that trouble to restore my fertility?  Hell no!  Remember, the factors that prevented me from getting pregnant were also responsible for insane, painful periods, during which I could barely leave the house.  Healing my body was always the right thing to do.  We will use Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility (natural birth control method) – there is no way I’m opting for anything that can mess up my hormones again!  It’s all about balance, after all.

And on that note, I think it’s time for the second announcement:

After three years I believe that I’ve reached the end of the road on this blog.  My life is taking a different direction and I felt the need for a whole new creative outlet.  So, this will be my last post here, but please follow me to my new home…

ORDINARY ABUNDANCE

… for the next leg of my journey through life.  And thank you for your loyal support through the years!

My Maggie is so cute that random strangers take pictures of her…  She’s quite used to being photographed by now, since Craig and I take lots of pictures too!

Of course, Bassets are fun to photograph, because there’s just so many ways in which you can make them look ridiculous… Like this:

And this:

I wonder if they ever grow into all that skin?

Maggie doesn’t mind though…  As long as she is adored, Mommy will get a kiss!

We’re now done with Puppy School and our Maggie did very well – her certificate is proudly displayed on the fridge.  She sits on command, knows her place in the pack (family) and often comes when called (we’re still working on that one!).  In August we’re starting a six-week obedience training course.

I don’t know how obedient she can be, since I don’t know how well she can hear with these ears!  And yes, she steps on them a lot!

Since Bassets are considered large breed dogs, we have to be careful with her bone-development.  Her daily walks should be kept short (about 15-20 minutes) until she’s about a year old, after which we can increase them and even run with her if we (and by “we” I really mean Craig) want to.  She’s quite fine with a 15 minute walk every afternoon or evening and will usually  go to bed afterward for a nice long sleep.

Note the vegetation she brought in…  My garden is not what it used to be!  But it’s all good, because I’m completely in love!

Have you ever felt that you are exactly where you need to be at a specific moment in time?

I feel that way right now.  It’s like finally spotting land after a long and arduous sea voyage.

Yes, I’m talking about getting this job, but it goes much deeper, or further, than that.

There are some challenges in the job itself that I would not  be able to handle had I not spent the last three years getting to know myself and, for lack of a better description, finally growing up.

Had I not taken the contract position, I would not have had the confidence to even go for this job.  Had I agreed to extend my contract, I would not have been able to take this one.

I am healthier now than I’ve been in years, thanks to healthy living. Last year I would not have been physically able to do this, as I was suffering from various ailments, including adrenal exhaustion.  The right person arrived on the scene at the right time to help me overcome those problems and enable me to take charge of my life again.

I am settled in my marriage and my new home.

And then I get a position that I visualized and described in detail long before it appeared on the horizon.

Perfect!

But, you may ask, what about getting pregnant and having a baby?  Wasn’t that the plan?

Well yes, but as Oprah so wisely said, you CAN have everything – just not at the same time.  To be fair to the company (and myself), I’m going to put the baby-making on the back-burner for now.

We need the second income, since we’re struggling to make ends meet in this recession. The salary I’ll be getting will certainly transform our lives, but it will also allow us to build our savings up again.

But more than that, I need to do this for myself.  I need the challenge – not only in the job itself, but in making my life work while working.  I feel absolutely driven to do this.

There is no doubt that a pregnancy, especially a first pregnancy at 40+ years old, is much more risky when the mother-to-be is morbidly obese and rather unfit.  So, it is in my best interest, as well as in my future baby’s, to lose weight and get fit.  The best thing we can give our children is a good, healthy start in life with healthy cells and genes.

Four months ago when I started the contract position I virtually checked out of my life for the duration.  I kept telling myself that it was only for three months and that I would get it together again afterward.  It will NOT happen this time.  This is not a detour on my path – it IS the path.  Yes, there will no doubt be days that I will feel overwhelmed, but I plan to walk this path consciously, giving my best not only to my employers, but also to my husband, pets, blog and most importantly, myself.

As for the baby, it might have to be a surprise goal in extra time… but I believe that it will arrive one day.

…coz we’re doin’ the happy dance!

I GOT THE JOB!

Thank you for all the good wishes.  You can uncross your bits now.  They should get nicely un-kinked with the happy dance.

I have so much to say about this, but for now I’m just celebrating.

I’ve just come back from my second round of interviews and I think it went well.  I should hear by tomorrow.

It was all very exhausting, so instead of a soul-searching post today, we get to do something fun.  Krissie from Questions for Dessert resurrected the old iPod-shuffle post yesterday and I’m jumping on the bandwagon.

It’s easy.  Hit shuffle on your iPod and write down the first ten songs that come up.  Share with your friends and wait for the ridicule.

So, here goes:

1. Searching my soul – Vonda Shepherd (This song always makes me happy)
2. Setting forth – Eddie Vedder (He’s my #2 favorite artist – and I love this album)
3. Mary’s in India – Dido
   
4. Dance Sum More – Mango Groove (South African band from the early 90′s)
5. Let’s be friends – Bruce Springsteen (My favorite artist of all time.  I love this man!)
6. Many rivers to cross – Toni Childs
7. I would do anything for love – Meatloaf (I may follow a plant-based diet, but I loves me some Meatloaf!)
8. Life is a highway – Rascal Flatts
9. Electrolite – REM
10. For Nancy (Cause it already is) – Pete Yorn
    

So, nothing really embarrassing.  I’d say this is fairly representative of my musical taste.  I love songs that I can sing along with…

Now you!  Let me know what comes up for you.